for my past and for my future

A day or so ago, a friend on facebook posed the question:
"If you could go back and give a younger you just a few words of advice, what would it be?"

There's a song about that. (Dear Younger Me). And even though I've heard that song a number of times, and I read his post yesterday, and it jumped to the top of my newsfeed again today...I didn't really have an answer. Just more questions. How much of a younger me? Me at six years old? Me at fifteen years old? Me at twenty-five years old? 

So anyways, I really wanted to have an answer to what advice I would give a younger me, but I didn't really have anything.

There's a song I've heard on the radio a few times, and I've wanted to try to find it and share it. So, I spent some time this morning listening to music. I love doing that! And I found this song. Listen to this song. 

Finish What He Started

This isn't the song I was looking for, but this is the song God had for me this morning. As tears sneaked past my eyes, I thought, "yes, this is what I would tell myself, this is a Truth that is True through any time of life, and gives hope for the future."

And then my thoughts spiraled and spun in a way that they sometimes do. Landing on a brand new thought that explodes in a moment of beauty. A crystal clear glimpse of something moving and profound. What if my future self was passing this song to a younger me, and that younger me is the me that is right now? Right now, I am the younger me.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what kind of trials and pain and joy and sorrow and brightness and dark valley are coming my way. But if this is advice I would give to a younger me, I'm going to take it in right now as a favor to the older me. 

God is faithful, He is capable. He is unchanging. I am forgiven. I will receive grace. He is with me. He will complete the work in me. He is a finisher. 

(You may have noticed that both of these songs are from the same album. So was the song I was actually looking for. I think I recommend this album!) 

Growing Up Is Hard To Do (For Mama)

When I had smaller children, and only smaller children, people would look at me, half smile and say something like, "enjoy this time, they grow up so fast." I appreciate the gentleness in the little old ladies voices, the urgency to make the most of where we were at, I heard the hint of regret...but that didn't keep me from wanting to punch them.

And then it happened. My baby grew up.

We went from this...squalling child who smelled perpetually like sour milk...

To this...a grinning eleven year old who smells perpetually like stinky boy...

I blinked.

He's still a goofy, wild, childish boy who sneaks ice cream. But there are glimpses of the mature, responsible man he's becoming.

A couple of weeks ago he and I spent a week at Boy Scout Camp. It was a beautiful week. I learned a lot about knot tying and fire making...he did, too :) One activity he participated in was the Penguin Club. they met at the lake at 6 AM, and got in up to their shoulders for fifteen minutes. Doing that four out of the five days meant you earned a patch. None of the other boys went with him, so I got the pleasure of calling into his tent at 5:30, and walking him down to the lake. It wasn't too bad. We got to experience great mornings like this one. Yes, it was cold. Yes, that's the moon. But he did it. He got up at the sound of my voice, got himself ready for the day and made the plunge into the chilly lake for four straight days.

But I wasn't sure about that last day. The night before we had a late night and just when he was getting ready to head to his tent (about 10:45) they pulled out the s'mores. So back he came. I reminded him of the penguin club, told him if he wouldn't wake up when I called for him, it would not be my fault he didn't make it to his fourth day. And then I said no more. "This will be a learning experience," I thought. And I was the one who learned just who grown up and sweet my baby boy had become. He ate his s'more, I was chatting with other parents/leaders and he quietly came up beside me. "Mama, I'm going to bed now. This is for you." And he handed me one of the rectangles from his s'more. He had saved it to share with me. I got a little teary eyed.

There are days I wonder about this job we're doing as parents. Days I blow it and lose my temper, days I just don't care if they play on the ipad or watch movies all day. Days that I feel like we're doing everything wrong and screwing these kids up.

And then there are days that I believe that God is in control. That He loves them more than I do and will do anything for them. Days that I truly believe that because of Him and His love and grace they are firmly in His hand and will turn out ok. Days like the above that give me hope for the future and show me that they're already turning out just fine.

Reason to Rest

This morning a post came across my facebook newsfeed. It was an encouragement to spend my Sunday resting. It was a decent article about not giving all of myself away. Especially as a mom. With a house. With homeschooling. With little kids. It sucks all of the energy right out of me.

But I read that post through a filter. One that says, "You need to refill yourself so you can keep going." and keep giving. and keep doing.

And I'm sort of done with that.

I mean, I'm not done with giving myself for others. I'm done with the focus of my life being on what I can do.

The focus seems to be on getting something done and getting filled up so that the doing can continue. Stopping is seen as a negative because nothing is accomplished when you're not moving.

I want a new filter. One that says, "Fill yourself up on your relationship with Christ, and offer to others out of the overflow."

The focus is on having a strong relationship with Jesus. Being filled simply for the sake of living from a whole heart. Having an abundant life right here and now (John 10:10). There is value in pursuing a relationship with Jesus without having any agenda or expectations attached to it.

What if, what if when I do that- when I'm filled, living from a whole heart, experiencing an abundant life- what if from that place, I can offer something of myself, something of my Lord, to other people?

I think everyone would agree, there's value in resting. In taking time to fill up. Do I want the focus of my relationship with Jesus to be what I can take from Him to get something accomplished? Or do I want the focus of my relationship with Jesus to be a beautiful, dynamic, whole-hearted love affair that is valued for what it is?

I guess the difference I'm seeing is "Fill me up, Jesus, so I can go accomplish more." versus "Fill me up, Jesus, because I love you so much."


Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. 
~Exodus 20:9-10

Observe the Sabbath, because it is holy to you. 
~Exodus 31:14

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him 
~Psalm 62:5

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 
~Matt 11:28-29

What My Eyes See

I pulled this blog post up yesterday. I posted it on a facebook challenge to post "what my _____ really looks like." I think it's good. All the pinterest and facbook photos of perfect houses, perfect kids, and perfect craft projects make me want to through in the towel and give up before even trying.

So, today I'm sitting here thinking about how nothing has changed in two years. Well, we don't have a school room anymore. We now have a boys' room and a girls' room. The boys are actually pretty good about picking up when they are told to. So all the harping on them for the last nine and ten years has paid off on some level. I mean I was training them to clean up their things.

And a memory surfaced. They had been told to clean up. The floor was covered with laundry (clean and dirty), Legos, K'Nex, and school books. At least that's what I could see when I peeked in. So inspection time comes. (I've learned that this is an important step- for them and me.) I walked into the room and said, "Really!?! This is what you think sparkling clean looks like?!?" They looked at each other, looked at the room, then looked at me. "What? What's wrong with it?" I then proceeded to circle the room pointing out everything that wasn't done to the standard of perfection. My husband walks in. "What? What's wrong with it? It looks pretty good to me?" I almost blew up at him. Pretty good was not what I had in mind. Pretty good was not good enough.

I didn't see what they had done. The progress they have made in how quickly and cheerfully and well done they can do a job. I didn't see that really 90% of the job was done. My eyes were only seeing that which had not been completed. And what they had accomplished had not been recognized.

And them my mind made one of those sudden leaps. The kind where what you're understanding here on the physical plane is paralleled in the spiritual realm. What do I see when I look at them? Do I see the faults and behaviors that could use improvement? Do I circle them pointing out the things that still need work? Or do I see the progress? The 90% that's done well? The effort and character that IS being displayed?

How do I want people to look at me? How do I want to look at myself?

Whether I'm looking at the bedroom, my children, or myself, my eyes will see things. And my heart and mind will interpret them a certain way. We can focus on the things left to do. Or we can focus on the progress that is being made.

Is the standard for myself and my children perfection? Or will I let pretty good be good enough?

Hope in the Mess

I was writing about the song "Need You Now" by Plumb. I was listening to it over and over again while I was writing and my kids were eating lunch. My two-days-away-from-being-nine-year-old kept coming and listening with me. Then he started asking me to play "Warn." After about a dozen listen-throughs, I was finally had everything out, and they had lunch finished. Together, we tried to find his song. Oddly enough, if you type "warn" into youtube, there are about a jillion hits. 

Eventually, he thought of a line from the song. And I was mis-hearing him. The song is "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North. They have two official versions published on youtube.
music video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zulKcYItKIA 
with lyrics http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM

This is one of the songs during which I've hit "replay," laid down on the floor, closed my eyes, and let my soul cry out to the Lord. Yes, I pray through songs. I figure if He understands groans, then He ought to understand sobbing during a song. (In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. Romans 8:26-27) 

This is another song that hits my heart in the middle of my mess. When it seems like the yuck in my life is never going to go away, this song becomes my prayer. Crying out to God from the very end of my being, when I'm at the bottom of my bucket, when there is nothing left. This songs wells up a place of utter exhaustion and hopelessness. 

Not in a whiny, complainy way. Because this song is also seeking a glimmer of hope. God, please just show me that there is something good in the future, that this isn't all that my life will be about.

Whether it's a struggle with sin in my life, a recurring argument with my husband, or the daily grind of little kids...I've been in this place of exhaustion...many times. This isn't necessarily a prayer asking for the trial/pain/sin to go away, this is about asking for just a glimpse of the good that God promises will come from it. (And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28) There is redemption, the struggle will end, there is healing for my heart, something rises from the ashes, the dead can be reborn. God is a crazy God of new life! This thing (whatever it is) that's plagueing me...there's hope when I'm in God's hands. 

And when I see that...that little glimpse of hope...then I can get up today...I can change that diaper...I can try again with my husband...I can address the sin in my life...this ISN'T all there is. There is something more beautiful and more meaningful that God has for my life. What if I asked, not just for a glimmer of hope...what if I asked "heaven come and flood my eyes" What if I could see even more clearly the beauty and meaning in my mess? 

In Middle of the Mess

I was driving to MOPS this morning, and a wonderful song came on the radio. I've loved this song from the moment I first heard it.

Need You Now by Plumb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ylnx0NA9X4

It's the desperate cry from a place of hurting and pain. A place of tired and exhaustion from dealing with the struggle and wounds for so long. A place of wondering where the heck God is in the mess, because, seriously, hasn't it just been long enough? A place that wasn't expected, not wanted, and not enjoyed. A place where it's a struggle to hear God. A place where it's a struggle to get through the day....it's often just a struggle to breathe.

I've been there. More than I'd like to admit. I remember one low point when a song came on the radio...something about "lifting my eyes up to the hills" and I literally broke down. (Thankfully we had just pulled into the garage and I wasn't driving somewhere!) I was TRYING SO HARD to lift up my eyes. I was BEGGING God for help in the pain that I was experiencing and the struggles that I was having.

At the time, it seemed as if everything I heard was from the other side of the struggle. The side where it's over and done with and the speaker/singer could see the good that God brought from it. That's not where I was. I was in the middle of the mess. And I wasn't holding up too well.

This song touches the pieces of my heart that are wounded and hurting. It touches the parts of me that are struggling to get through this day, to breathe. It touches the places inside of me that cries out for help...and wonders if God will come through.

I've listened to this song hundreds or thousands of times. (I like the repeat button a bit too much.) yet this morning, I heard a couple of lines, as if for the very first time.

"I want to believe there's beauty here...I want to believe there's meaning here."

Maybe they struck me because we were on our way to MOPS, and this year's theme is "A Beautiful Mess." Everything with the word beauty or mess in it catches my attention.

In the midst of the dark, messy places of life, when I am wondering if God is good and trustworthy, I DO want to believe there's beauty, that there's a purpose for what I'm dealing with. When it's work just to keep breathing...the strength to do so comes from the Lord Himself. I NEED Him. Desperately. Passionately.

When life is smacking my upside the head, I can STILL believe and trust Him. Keeping my eyes on Him, needing Him, being desperate for His strength. It's not a fun place. It's tiring. It's emotional. It's work. If in that place of darkness, wounded-ness, and/or doubt, if in that place, this is all I can do....it's enough for God. It should be enough for me, too.

Trusting

Goal: Trusting God. What is right here in front of me. Living fully from my heart.

It's so easy to get wrapped up in all the things I do "for God" and forget to rest in His arms. There's no reason to go crazy serving Him. By knowing who I am and who He made me to be, everything I do brings glory to His name. It's not the "big stuff" that matters, it's the daily heart of trust and confidence in Him and the purpose He has for me. The last few months I've done a lot of hard work to learn some things. And the result of it all (so far) is simply trusting and resting.

Galatians 3:2-6 The Message
2-4Let me put this question to you: How did your new life begin? Was it by
working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God's Message
to you? Are you going to continue this craziness? For only crazy people would
think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God. If you
weren't smart enough or strong enough to begin it, how do you suppose you could
perfect it? Did you go through this whole painful learning process for nothing?
It is not yet a total loss, but it certainly will be if you keep this up!

5-6Answer this question: Does the God who lavishly provides you with his own
presence, his Holy Spirit, working things in your lives you could never do for
yourselves, does he do these things because of your strenuous moral striving or
because you trust him to do them in you? Don't these things happen among you
just as they happened with Abraham? He believed God, and that act of belief was
turned into a life that was right with God.