I was driving to MOPS this morning, and a wonderful song came on the radio. I've loved this song from the moment I first heard it.
Need You Now by Plumb
It's the desperate cry from a place of hurting and pain. A place of tired and exhaustion from dealing with the struggle and wounds for so long. A place of wondering where the heck God is in the mess, because, seriously, hasn't it just been long enough? A place that wasn't expected, not wanted, and not enjoyed. A place where it's a struggle to hear God. A place where it's a struggle to get through the day....it's often just a struggle to breathe.
I've been there. More than I'd like to admit. I remember one low point when a song came on the radio...something about "lifting my eyes up to the hills" and I literally broke down. (Thankfully we had just pulled into the garage and I wasn't driving somewhere!) I was TRYING SO HARD to lift up my eyes. I was BEGGING God for help in the pain that I was experiencing and the struggles that I was having.
At the time, it seemed as if everything I heard was from the other side of the struggle. The side where it's over and done with and the speaker/singer could see the good that God brought from it. That's not where I was. I was in the middle of the mess. And I wasn't holding up too well.
This song touches the pieces of my heart that are wounded and hurting. It touches the parts of me that are struggling to get through this day, to breathe. It touches the places inside of me that cries out for help...and wonders if God will come through.
I've listened to this song hundreds or thousands of times. (I like the repeat button a bit too much.) yet this morning, I heard a couple of lines, as if for the very first time.
"I want to believe there's beauty here...I want to believe there's meaning here."
Maybe they struck me because we were on our way to MOPS, and this year's theme is "A Beautiful Mess." Everything with the word beauty or mess in it catches my attention.
In the midst of the dark, messy places of life, when I am wondering if God is good and trustworthy, I DO want to believe there's beauty, that there's a purpose for what I'm dealing with. When it's work just to keep breathing...the strength to do so comes from the Lord Himself. I NEED Him. Desperately. Passionately.
When life is smacking my upside the head, I can STILL believe and trust Him. Keeping my eyes on Him, needing Him, being desperate for His strength. It's not a fun place. It's tiring. It's emotional. It's work. If in that place of darkness, wounded-ness, and/or doubt, if in that place, this is all I can do....it's enough for God. It should be enough for me, too.