Closer

"I feel closer to God when I run." Eric Liddell (I think?)

When I was in high school (pre Christian days), I stopped listening to the radio. I've always had a hard time picking out the lyrics, anyways, but when I could figure out what they were saying...I wasn't too impressed. I began building my CD library of classical music. Music that makes you close your eyes and breathe deeply. Music that seeps I to your being with it's pain and anguish. Music that lifts you to soar among the clouds.

Obviously, music is my "running." I feel closer to God when I hear good music- with or without lyrics.

Finding a thing that brings me closer to God is vitally important. Taking the time to be close to Him refreshes my spirit. It brings a depth of peace and rest. A depth that lasts longer than a ten minute break to play on facebook or thirty minutes to watch a show. It's the depth of peace that transforms my heart into something that more resembles Him, something maybe even filled with love and joy and kindness. A depth that will get me through a crazy day, a frustrating day, or a monotonous day.

Music brings me closer to God. What's your thing?

What If

Most mornings I have the kids do a devotional. This looks different for each kid, and looks different daily, but the point is that they are learning how to connect with God on their own. Or maybe the point is that I get almost twenty whole minutes to read, myself. :)

Yesterday, one of my children read the story about Jesus healing a leper. He told the guy not to tell anyone, but he did, anyways. And board of people flocked to Jesus to follow Him.

Then my two standard questions, what does that mean? And what does that mean to you? (The first being content based the second more about application.)

So this guy was told not to tell. One thing. And he's walking around town seeing people, strangers maybe, and what does he do? He tells them! We decided that this guy was just too excited about what Jesus had done for him that he couldn't contain himself. It was flowing from his lips all the time.

And what did the people he spoke with do? Did they look at him like a crazy person? Did they tell at him or tell him to shut up? No and no. They went to see Jesus for themselves.

What if.
What if I was excited about Jesus?
What if the work that Jesus has done in my life couldn't be contained?
What if I couldn't help but speak of Him?
What if others went to see Jesus for themselves?

Much of what our current culture knows about Christians has to do with what we stand for, or more more accurately what we stand against. But what if. What if my words spoke more about the Jesus who has saved and redeemed me? What if I shared the stories of healing and grace? What if instead of telling others why they should become Christians, I simply shared why I am one?

What if people did the same thing that they did back then? What if they sought Jesus out for themselves? It's sort of an upside down evangelism. One where Jesus get credit and honor...and I get none.

I kind of have a feeling that's the way it's supposed to be.

Not Lost

Grandma Dora

Thirteen years ago I became a Hendrickson. And along with my husband, came a whole new family. And I have never been more blessed.

Christmas 2014

My introduction to Grandma Dora came before we were married at Easter dinner. I remember her strong hug, the hands rubbing up and down my back, and the whispered words in my ear, "we're so glad you're choosing him." It's a scene that was replayed out many times over the years. Always making me feel like she was the lucky one because I joined the family. When really, I have been substantially blessed to have been in this lady's presence. Back when she was still writing cards and letters, every single one of them included, "I've been talking to the Lord about you..." And I believe she was.

Grandma Dora with son #4 and son #3

Grandma Dora raised her four boys in the Iowa countryside. And the escapades we hear about today are hair curling. Four boys. But they all seemed to turn out well. ;) It cracks me up that she often refers to them by their number rather than their names! As the matriarch of the Hendrickson clan, Grandma Dora often referred to herself as the Queen Bee. 4 sons, 10 grandchildren, 20 great-grandchildren and 1 great-great granddaughter (my count could be off). Beautiful people who love and serve the Lord in a variety of ways. Smart ones who are engineers and librarians. Creative types who are musical and artistic. Kind souls who are teachers and pastors. Brave ones who serve our country and many who travel the world. She leaves quite a legacy.

fall 2013

One legacy is as the Queen of Games. I remember Thanksgiving afternoons spent playing games. Grandma Dora would sit in her chair, asking a question here or there about how the game was played, then BAM! she'd win. Every. Time. Mostly we'd play 10,000 (a dice game), and when Grandma Dora was the score keeper, if you were having trouble getting on the board, she'd draw a worm for you. I'm not sure why a worm, that was before I joined the family. She'd add a smile, or legs as each turn came and went with no points. But usually, the worm did it and the game was on!

Double Dora! 2010

I don't think Grandma Dora ever had a visit with anyone where a dozen photos weren't taken to commemorate the event. She loved spending time with people. Starting with a hug and ending with a hug. And music. When she was moved from her Iowa apartment to a nursing home in Nebraska, it seemed that her biggest concern was who was going to take over playing the organ at church! We tried to visit every month or two, joining her for lunch, bringing puppets to enact the Christmas story, sharing stories and hugs.

spring 2011

Grandma Dora is two months shy of 100. In the last year or so, her strength was fading. At Thanksgiving, she was having a hard time remembering the children's names, but Christmas brought some perkiness back. It seemed like making it through the spring and summer wasn't a stretch after all. We hadn't seen her in few months, so we headed up for a visit on mother's Day. I'm so glad we did. We had a nice visit. She seemed weak, but alert, pleased for our visit, glad for the hugs from the kids. When it was my turn for my good-bye hug, I leaned over her chair gave her as big a squeeze as I could without being able to reach behind her, I said, "we love you very much" and gave her a kiss. Her body has continued to fade, and she passed away this morning. I'm not going to say, "we lost her," because we didn't...

I know where she is now. She's talking with the Lord about us.

Lost

Ten and a half years ago I found out I was pregnant.

And I sat on the floor and cried.

That made the guilt for what was to come that much worse.

You see, we had a baby. Barely six months old. My husband had lost his job the week before he was born. I probably had post-partum depression, too. I was not ready for another baby. Especially since my current baby would only be thirteen months old when this one arrived. I'm not sure what made me take the test, but there it was sitting on the counter. And I was overwhelmed.

We spent the week thinking and praying. Honestly...coming to terms with the next change in our life. And that's when the spotting started. I did what I was supposed to do. I called my doctor. I laid down. I rested.

But all it took was one trip to the bathroom.

And I sat on the floor and cried.

The rest of the week is a blur of pain, tears, trips to the hospital and clinic and rationalizing. Trying to understand why God would give us a baby, only to take it away again.

It didn't take long to get pregnant again, and again, and again, and again. We ended up with five kids. And not a lot of time to think about the one we lost. I'm not even sure how many people we've talked to about that baby. But last week I did. I shared my story with some other moms. I did think about that baby. The one that I never got to hold. And I let the pain of it touch me, for the first time since it happened.

And I have a song for that.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SyAN-c9k9HA

God created. He had no intentions for anyone to die. That's why it hurts us so much when someone does. Why it just about kills us when it's a child, even one yet unborn. It's ok to feel it.

for my past and for my future

A day or so ago, a friend on facebook posed the question:
"If you could go back and give a younger you just a few words of advice, what would it be?"

There's a song about that. (Dear Younger Me). And even though I've heard that song a number of times, and I read his post yesterday, and it jumped to the top of my newsfeed again today...I didn't really have an answer. Just more questions. How much of a younger me? Me at six years old? Me at fifteen years old? Me at twenty-five years old? 

So anyways, I really wanted to have an answer to what advice I would give a younger me, but I didn't really have anything.

There's a song I've heard on the radio a few times, and I've wanted to try to find it and share it. So, I spent some time this morning listening to music. I love doing that! And I found this song. Listen to this song. 

Finish What He Started

This isn't the song I was looking for, but this is the song God had for me this morning. As tears sneaked past my eyes, I thought, "yes, this is what I would tell myself, this is a Truth that is True through any time of life, and gives hope for the future."

And then my thoughts spiraled and spun in a way that they sometimes do. Landing on a brand new thought that explodes in a moment of beauty. A crystal clear glimpse of something moving and profound. What if my future self was passing this song to a younger me, and that younger me is the me that is right now? Right now, I am the younger me.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what kind of trials and pain and joy and sorrow and brightness and dark valley are coming my way. But if this is advice I would give to a younger me, I'm going to take it in right now as a favor to the older me. 

God is faithful, He is capable. He is unchanging. I am forgiven. I will receive grace. He is with me. He will complete the work in me. He is a finisher. 

(You may have noticed that both of these songs are from the same album. So was the song I was actually looking for. I think I recommend this album!) 

Growing Up Is Hard To Do (For Mama)

When I had smaller children, and only smaller children, people would look at me, half smile and say something like, "enjoy this time, they grow up so fast." I appreciate the gentleness in the little old ladies voices, the urgency to make the most of where we were at, I heard the hint of regret...but that didn't keep me from wanting to punch them.

And then it happened. My baby grew up.

We went from this...squalling child who smelled perpetually like sour milk...

To this...a grinning eleven year old who smells perpetually like stinky boy...

I blinked.

He's still a goofy, wild, childish boy who sneaks ice cream. But there are glimpses of the mature, responsible man he's becoming.

A couple of weeks ago he and I spent a week at Boy Scout Camp. It was a beautiful week. I learned a lot about knot tying and fire making...he did, too :) One activity he participated in was the Penguin Club. they met at the lake at 6 AM, and got in up to their shoulders for fifteen minutes. Doing that four out of the five days meant you earned a patch. None of the other boys went with him, so I got the pleasure of calling into his tent at 5:30, and walking him down to the lake. It wasn't too bad. We got to experience great mornings like this one. Yes, it was cold. Yes, that's the moon. But he did it. He got up at the sound of my voice, got himself ready for the day and made the plunge into the chilly lake for four straight days.

But I wasn't sure about that last day. The night before we had a late night and just when he was getting ready to head to his tent (about 10:45) they pulled out the s'mores. So back he came. I reminded him of the penguin club, told him if he wouldn't wake up when I called for him, it would not be my fault he didn't make it to his fourth day. And then I said no more. "This will be a learning experience," I thought. And I was the one who learned just who grown up and sweet my baby boy had become. He ate his s'more, I was chatting with other parents/leaders and he quietly came up beside me. "Mama, I'm going to bed now. This is for you." And he handed me one of the rectangles from his s'more. He had saved it to share with me. I got a little teary eyed.

There are days I wonder about this job we're doing as parents. Days I blow it and lose my temper, days I just don't care if they play on the ipad or watch movies all day. Days that I feel like we're doing everything wrong and screwing these kids up.

And then there are days that I believe that God is in control. That He loves them more than I do and will do anything for them. Days that I truly believe that because of Him and His love and grace they are firmly in His hand and will turn out ok. Days like the above that give me hope for the future and show me that they're already turning out just fine.

Reason to Rest

This morning a post came across my facebook newsfeed. It was an encouragement to spend my Sunday resting. It was a decent article about not giving all of myself away. Especially as a mom. With a house. With homeschooling. With little kids. It sucks all of the energy right out of me.

But I read that post through a filter. One that says, "You need to refill yourself so you can keep going." and keep giving. and keep doing.

And I'm sort of done with that.

I mean, I'm not done with giving myself for others. I'm done with the focus of my life being on what I can do.

The focus seems to be on getting something done and getting filled up so that the doing can continue. Stopping is seen as a negative because nothing is accomplished when you're not moving.

I want a new filter. One that says, "Fill yourself up on your relationship with Christ, and offer to others out of the overflow."

The focus is on having a strong relationship with Jesus. Being filled simply for the sake of living from a whole heart. Having an abundant life right here and now (John 10:10). There is value in pursuing a relationship with Jesus without having any agenda or expectations attached to it.

What if, what if when I do that- when I'm filled, living from a whole heart, experiencing an abundant life- what if from that place, I can offer something of myself, something of my Lord, to other people?

I think everyone would agree, there's value in resting. In taking time to fill up. Do I want the focus of my relationship with Jesus to be what I can take from Him to get something accomplished? Or do I want the focus of my relationship with Jesus to be a beautiful, dynamic, whole-hearted love affair that is valued for what it is?

I guess the difference I'm seeing is "Fill me up, Jesus, so I can go accomplish more." versus "Fill me up, Jesus, because I love you so much."


Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is a sabbath to the Lord your God. On it you shall not do any work, neither you, nor your son or daughter, nor your male or female servant, nor your animals, nor any foreigner residing in your towns. 
~Exodus 20:9-10

Observe the Sabbath, because it is holy to you. 
~Exodus 31:14

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him 
~Psalm 62:5

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. 
~Matt 11:28-29

What My Eyes See

I pulled this blog post up yesterday. I posted it on a facebook challenge to post "what my _____ really looks like." I think it's good. All the pinterest and facbook photos of perfect houses, perfect kids, and perfect craft projects make me want to through in the towel and give up before even trying.

So, today I'm sitting here thinking about how nothing has changed in two years. Well, we don't have a school room anymore. We now have a boys' room and a girls' room. The boys are actually pretty good about picking up when they are told to. So all the harping on them for the last nine and ten years has paid off on some level. I mean I was training them to clean up their things.

And a memory surfaced. They had been told to clean up. The floor was covered with laundry (clean and dirty), Legos, K'Nex, and school books. At least that's what I could see when I peeked in. So inspection time comes. (I've learned that this is an important step- for them and me.) I walked into the room and said, "Really!?! This is what you think sparkling clean looks like?!?" They looked at each other, looked at the room, then looked at me. "What? What's wrong with it?" I then proceeded to circle the room pointing out everything that wasn't done to the standard of perfection. My husband walks in. "What? What's wrong with it? It looks pretty good to me?" I almost blew up at him. Pretty good was not what I had in mind. Pretty good was not good enough.

I didn't see what they had done. The progress they have made in how quickly and cheerfully and well done they can do a job. I didn't see that really 90% of the job was done. My eyes were only seeing that which had not been completed. And what they had accomplished had not been recognized.

And them my mind made one of those sudden leaps. The kind where what you're understanding here on the physical plane is paralleled in the spiritual realm. What do I see when I look at them? Do I see the faults and behaviors that could use improvement? Do I circle them pointing out the things that still need work? Or do I see the progress? The 90% that's done well? The effort and character that IS being displayed?

How do I want people to look at me? How do I want to look at myself?

Whether I'm looking at the bedroom, my children, or myself, my eyes will see things. And my heart and mind will interpret them a certain way. We can focus on the things left to do. Or we can focus on the progress that is being made.

Is the standard for myself and my children perfection? Or will I let pretty good be good enough?

Hope in the Mess

I was writing about the song "Need You Now" by Plumb. I was listening to it over and over again while I was writing and my kids were eating lunch. My two-days-away-from-being-nine-year-old kept coming and listening with me. Then he started asking me to play "Warn." After about a dozen listen-throughs, I was finally had everything out, and they had lunch finished. Together, we tried to find his song. Oddly enough, if you type "warn" into youtube, there are about a jillion hits. 

Eventually, he thought of a line from the song. And I was mis-hearing him. The song is "Worn" by Tenth Avenue North. They have two official versions published on youtube.
music video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zulKcYItKIA 
with lyrics http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UUEy8nZvpdM

This is one of the songs during which I've hit "replay," laid down on the floor, closed my eyes, and let my soul cry out to the Lord. Yes, I pray through songs. I figure if He understands groans, then He ought to understand sobbing during a song. (In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.  And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for God’s people in accordance with the will of God. Romans 8:26-27) 

This is another song that hits my heart in the middle of my mess. When it seems like the yuck in my life is never going to go away, this song becomes my prayer. Crying out to God from the very end of my being, when I'm at the bottom of my bucket, when there is nothing left. This songs wells up a place of utter exhaustion and hopelessness. 

Not in a whiny, complainy way. Because this song is also seeking a glimmer of hope. God, please just show me that there is something good in the future, that this isn't all that my life will be about.

Whether it's a struggle with sin in my life, a recurring argument with my husband, or the daily grind of little kids...I've been in this place of exhaustion...many times. This isn't necessarily a prayer asking for the trial/pain/sin to go away, this is about asking for just a glimpse of the good that God promises will come from it. (And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28) There is redemption, the struggle will end, there is healing for my heart, something rises from the ashes, the dead can be reborn. God is a crazy God of new life! This thing (whatever it is) that's plagueing me...there's hope when I'm in God's hands. 

And when I see that...that little glimpse of hope...then I can get up today...I can change that diaper...I can try again with my husband...I can address the sin in my life...this ISN'T all there is. There is something more beautiful and more meaningful that God has for my life. What if I asked, not just for a glimmer of hope...what if I asked "heaven come and flood my eyes" What if I could see even more clearly the beauty and meaning in my mess? 

In Middle of the Mess

I was driving to MOPS this morning, and a wonderful song came on the radio. I've loved this song from the moment I first heard it.

Need You Now by Plumb
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9ylnx0NA9X4

It's the desperate cry from a place of hurting and pain. A place of tired and exhaustion from dealing with the struggle and wounds for so long. A place of wondering where the heck God is in the mess, because, seriously, hasn't it just been long enough? A place that wasn't expected, not wanted, and not enjoyed. A place where it's a struggle to hear God. A place where it's a struggle to get through the day....it's often just a struggle to breathe.

I've been there. More than I'd like to admit. I remember one low point when a song came on the radio...something about "lifting my eyes up to the hills" and I literally broke down. (Thankfully we had just pulled into the garage and I wasn't driving somewhere!) I was TRYING SO HARD to lift up my eyes. I was BEGGING God for help in the pain that I was experiencing and the struggles that I was having.

At the time, it seemed as if everything I heard was from the other side of the struggle. The side where it's over and done with and the speaker/singer could see the good that God brought from it. That's not where I was. I was in the middle of the mess. And I wasn't holding up too well.

This song touches the pieces of my heart that are wounded and hurting. It touches the parts of me that are struggling to get through this day, to breathe. It touches the places inside of me that cries out for help...and wonders if God will come through.

I've listened to this song hundreds or thousands of times. (I like the repeat button a bit too much.) yet this morning, I heard a couple of lines, as if for the very first time.

"I want to believe there's beauty here...I want to believe there's meaning here."

Maybe they struck me because we were on our way to MOPS, and this year's theme is "A Beautiful Mess." Everything with the word beauty or mess in it catches my attention.

In the midst of the dark, messy places of life, when I am wondering if God is good and trustworthy, I DO want to believe there's beauty, that there's a purpose for what I'm dealing with. When it's work just to keep breathing...the strength to do so comes from the Lord Himself. I NEED Him. Desperately. Passionately.

When life is smacking my upside the head, I can STILL believe and trust Him. Keeping my eyes on Him, needing Him, being desperate for His strength. It's not a fun place. It's tiring. It's emotional. It's work. If in that place of darkness, wounded-ness, and/or doubt, if in that place, this is all I can do....it's enough for God. It should be enough for me, too.

Trusting

Goal: Trusting God. What is right here in front of me. Living fully from my heart.

It's so easy to get wrapped up in all the things I do "for God" and forget to rest in His arms. There's no reason to go crazy serving Him. By knowing who I am and who He made me to be, everything I do brings glory to His name. It's not the "big stuff" that matters, it's the daily heart of trust and confidence in Him and the purpose He has for me. The last few months I've done a lot of hard work to learn some things. And the result of it all (so far) is simply trusting and resting.

Galatians 3:2-6 The Message
2-4Let me put this question to you: How did your new life begin? Was it by
working your heads off to please God? Or was it by responding to God's Message
to you? Are you going to continue this craziness? For only crazy people would
think they could complete by their own efforts what was begun by God. If you
weren't smart enough or strong enough to begin it, how do you suppose you could
perfect it? Did you go through this whole painful learning process for nothing?
It is not yet a total loss, but it certainly will be if you keep this up!

5-6Answer this question: Does the God who lavishly provides you with his own
presence, his Holy Spirit, working things in your lives you could never do for
yourselves, does he do these things because of your strenuous moral striving or
because you trust him to do them in you? Don't these things happen among you
just as they happened with Abraham? He believed God, and that act of belief was
turned into a life that was right with God.

A New Perspective

I recently had an opportunity to read back through some things I've written over the last couple of years. I was really struck by a post I wrote two years ago regarding Romans 7-8. I was surprised by the amount things I seemed to understand. Then I realized it was all head knowledge, which I chatted a little about yesterday. This passage is so much richer and full when I look at it after the experiences and learning I have gone through in the last month or so. 

When I was hanging out with Christians as a non-believer, I started reading the Bible. After I accepted, Christ, I started over. I'm feeling the same need to read it all over again from this new heart's perspective. These two chapters from Romans are absolutely amazing! I really appreciate how things are phrased in "The Message" version. Certain sections are really standing out to me today:

 ^17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
 ^21-23It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

For the whole of my Christian life, this is how I've lived. I know what God's asking, I know what a Christian is "supposed" to do. I can't manage to make it work in my life. I want to be a kind, compassionate, faithful person. Instead, I've been an angry, bitter, controlling person. There's something deep within my soul that gets the better of me every. single. time. 

I'm tripped up. It's so predictable, it's disgusting. 

²⁴I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

When I read this two years ago, I almost started crying. I'm at the end of my rope. I've read books, I've asked for help, nothing seems to work. Can anyone help ME find answers?

²⁵The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

Jesus Christ can and does. "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." This isn't about getting all the answers in the moment of salvation. This isn't about having everything fixed in one fell swoop. This is about allowing Christ deep within my soul and allowing Him to heal the hurts. This is about choosing to believe the Truth about who I am rather than the lies that are the result of the influence of sin. It's not about me changing behaviors. It's about me changing my beliefs. 

^1-2With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.

A new power is in operation! The Spirit has set me free from a life of sin and death. This isn't just for eternity. This is for the here and now. My life is no longer a low-lying black cloud, the Spirit has come and cleared the junk from my soul. My heart can feel and believe it. He has come for me! 

 ^3-4God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn't deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that.
   The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn't deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us.

I love this picture of the law as a Band-Aid for sin and Christ is a deep healing of it. Living by the rules isn't going to get me anywhere. Trying harder isn't going to get me anywhere. Embracing what the Spirit is doing in me will allow Christ to set it right once and for all. As long as we're alive, this will be a continuous process. We will continually be facing new challenges and new situations which will hurt us, or cause old hurts to resurface. Each and every one of them is capable of the deep healing that Christ brings, if only I will let Him in to those places.

 ^5-8Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn't pleased at being ignored.

Doing it on your own only leads to comparisons and measurements. Doing it with others leads to doing it in real life. Real change can be accomplished if you're willing to open up to a community! If I simply let go and trust in God, I'll find He's been there the whole time, and working away on my heart- turning my heart of stone into a heart of flesh. Giving God some attention (rather than ignoring Him) leads us into an open, free, life.

^9-11But if God himself has taken up residence in your life, you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of him. Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won't know what we're talking about. But for you who welcome him, in whom he dwells—even though you still experience all the limitations of sin—you yourself experience life on God's terms. It stands to reason, doesn't it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, he'll do the same thing in you that he did in Jesus, bringing you alive to himself? When God lives and breathes in you (and he does, as surely as he did in Jesus), you are delivered from that dead life. With his Spirit living in you, your body will be as alive as Christ's!

I didn't know what Paul was talking about! Even though I was a Christian, I was not opening my heart to the full measure of what He had to offer. I have the ability to experience life on God's terms...not a life limited by sin. I am delivered from the dead life that I had. He dwells within me and He is moving in me.

^12-14So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!

I am done with the old way of doing things. There's nothing in it for me at all. I am ready to get on with my new life. I feel like I'm starting over and I want to experience the fullness of His grace and glory. Things to do! Places to go! Life's an adventure worth living!

^15-17This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him!

The biggest thing I received at Grace Adventure was a confirmation of I really am. I know who He is. I know who I am. I know that there's a bright future walking with my hand encased in His. "What's next, Papa?"

 ^29-30God knew what he was doing from the very beginning. He decided from the outset to shape the lives of those who love him along the same lines as the life of his Son. The Son stands first in the line of humanity he restored. We see the original and intended shape of our lives there in him. After God made that decision of what his children should be like, he followed it up by calling people by name. After he called them by name, he set them on a solid basis with himself. And then, after getting them established, he stayed with them to the end, gloriously completing what he had begun.

God knew what He was doing! He had a plan for ME and MY LIFE. The outside forces of the world- the things that happened to us, the culture, the pain, the sin, the hurt- have caused my life to look different, it has caused me to respond in a mode of self-protection and that way of living is not working for me, anymore. I can now see that there are things that happened that were not what He wanted. (That doesn't mean that He's not sovereign, or that He doesn't have a purpose.) He is truly saddened when any of His children suffer from the pain that is caused by sin. Now I can see that, and I can see that the way He made me and what He wanted me to be like. He calls me by name, and gives me a solid foundation in Him. And even better is the fact that He doesn't just leave me there! He stays until the end. He brings glorious completion!

^31-39So, what do you think? With God on our side like this, how can we lose? If God didn't hesitate to put everything on the line for us, embracing our condition and exposing himself to the worst by sending his own Son, is there anything else he wouldn't gladly and freely do for us? And who would dare tangle with God by messing with one of God's chosen? Who would dare even to point a finger? The One who died for us—who was raised to life for us!—is in the presence of God at this very moment sticking up for us. Do you think anyone is going to be able to drive a wedge between us and Christ's love for us? There is no way! Not trouble, not hard times, not hatred, not hunger, not homelessness, not bullying threats, not backstabbing, not even the worst sins listed in Scripture:
   They kill us in cold blood because they hate you.
   We're sitting ducks; they pick us off one by one.
None of this fazes us because Jesus loves us. I'm absolutely convinced that nothing—nothing living or dead, angelic or demonic, today or tomorrow, high or low, thinkable or unthinkable—absolutely nothing can get between us and God's love because of the way that Jesus our Master has embraced us.

So what DO you think? God is on my side and I can not lose! God Himself put everything on the line for ME, there isn't anything that He wouldn't do to help me out of the tangle of these sins and lies. NOTHING can come between me and my Savior. I am within the loving embrace of my Jesus. There is no better place to be. 

It's for freedom...

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free." ~Galatians 5:1

This is the theme verse for my group at Grace Adventure. (http://graceadventure.org/) It's amazing to me how much my life and my views have changed in the last month. The things that I have experiences at GA- the exercises, the relationships, the Lord- all have worked together to cause so many "T"ruths from my head to transfer to my heart.

I became a Christian in the fall of 1998. For me, there was a heart change, but there was also a lot of just finding the religion that was true. Head knowledge. Head knowledge is great, but it does not change too much about the way you live your life. The Christian life is very much a set of rules if you only have head knowledge. Christ came to give me a key to heaven, because it was only head knowledge.

I have gained a heart knowledge about Christ and what He has done for me. Yes, He came to restore that relationship so I can spend eternity with the Lord. But there's more to it than that. There is freedom in the here and now. Whatever junk is in our past (whether committed against us or by us) is fully within His hands. My freedom comes from not having to live out my own personal coping mechanisms, but from truly walking out who He created me to be.

This song is actually about the day when the whole Church becomes the bride and enters heaven. But when I heard it, I was taken back to the moment at GA when I met the Lord face to face and asked Him what He thinks of me. What He thinks of the things that have hurt me. What He thinks of the ways I have hurt others.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S_as9yxrf6E

"When love has come and finally set you free." In that moment, I was set free. Free from the pain of my past. Free from all the masks and defenses I use to protect myself. Free to be a me that I never even knew existed.

It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.

Teaching our Kids to be Responsible

A friend asked me if I had any ideas for teaching kids about responsibility. I think she asked me because we have fairly high expectations for our children, and I'm always trying out a new chore chart idea. :) I think she was looking for a list of things that kids are capable of at different ages. But my mind has gone somewhere else with these thoughts of responsibility. But if that's what you're looking for, I'll have a few resources at the end!

To preface all of this, I have five kids. Zachary (8), Quinlan (7), Veronica (5), Eleanor (3), Roselyn (2). We homeschool. That means that they are home all day, making messes. This family only functions when we are all working together. Otherwise I would go insane being responsible for everything. I need to delegate some areas of responsibility to my children. For kids in an away from home school setting, there may be things you would adjust so that you could spend fun family time with them rather than an afternoon full of chores. The principles are the same, the amount of time you spend on something like household tasks would be different than they are for my kids.

Your kids know more than you think they do.
They really do. Even before my kids can talk, they're speaking volumes with their eyes. There little minds are already working out ways that they can throw the blocks across the room instead of putting them in their bucket. Age appropriate tasks and responsibilities may be more and bigger things than you are currently thinking.

Real work challenges kids. It makes them feel valued, important, and part of the family. For example, when our toddlers can walk and carry things at the same time they become responsible for putting their dishes in the dishwasher. Along with this goes a phrase I heard when my oldest was still an infant. This has been the guiding principle for teaching our kids household jobs "The youngest person capable of performing a tasks should be responsible for doing it." From something as simple as putting dishes in the dishwasher for a tot to my seven and eight year old boys having complete responsibility for their own laundry- if they are capable, it's theirs.

And this doesn't just go for household jobs, this also applies to behaviors. My two year old knows she shouldn't throw her toys. That means she needs to accept responsibility for the consequences of her behavior. Whether that's discipline for disobedience, or apologizing when someone gets hit in the head.

Expect great things from them.
This is a continuation of the previous point. Give your kids REAL responsibility. Allow them to feel the consequences (positive and negative) of things you've placed into their realm of responsibility. Allow your four year old to make the mashed potatoes and thank her for it while you're eating dinner. When my boys first took on the full responsibility for their own laundry, I allowed them to run out of underwear (on a day we were staying home).

If you give them a job to do, let them do it their way. And don't follow behind redoing it (In the spirit of full disclosure, I do rearrange the dishes to make sure they are facing the right directions. I do not tidy anyone's clothes that they put away.) which leads us to...

It won't be perfect.
When they are first learning how to do something, it's not going to be done as well as if you were doing it yourself. Accept it. Let it be. Some jobs may need to be done more frequently. For example, cleaning the bathrooms is a daily job in our home, simply because it's not really done very well. I could do the job, do it well, and do it once a week. But I choose to accept the job at the quality that my children are capable of and allow them to clean their bathroom their way. I figure that over the course of a week, every spot will be cleaned at least once or twice :)

Start with the end in mind.
As they learn and grow, expect more. A two year can say "I'm sorry" A three year old can say "I'm sorry for___." And a five year old can say "I'm sorry for ____, will you forgive me?" There's a progression for just about anything you want to grow into your children. How do you want your teenagers and adult children to respond and behave? Start now.

Own your stuff.
"Who was supposed to____?" Is a common question in our house. There's no hiding, the kids need to own up to a job poorly done. Try not to blow up when you see that your kids aren't doing/behaving the way you want them to. Whether it's how well the table was wiped off, or an angry response when wronged...let them feel the weight of it, then help them grow into it.

We also have a "no paybacks" rule in effect. It's important to understand what's not your responsibility. It's not my child's responsibility to make sure his sister receives punishment for a wrong she has committed. He needs to bring that to me and trust that I will take care of it. Later on in life, he'll have plenty of things that He'll need to place in God's hands. Practicing that now, will help my kids out a lot.

I also think that allowing your children time for free play allows them to grow into this. Learning how to take care of conflict is a huge lesson that will be with them forever. 

Practical Help
Montessori- I don't know much about this school of learning, what I do know is that they encourage putting things on kids levels and making things easier for kids all around. For our family it looks like plastic dishes, short coat hooks, baskets and bins (instead of shelves), and vinegar water (instead of chemical sprays)-things that make it easier for them to perform the tasks you're asking of them.

Chore Charts/Reward Systems- There are as many of these as there are families in the world. I would like to caution you that a chore chart isn't going to teach your children responsibility. It will provide accountability as you go, though. You can purchase one, you can make. I recommend Pinterest as a great resource for some inspiration.

Age appropriate-ness- This also is as individual as each family. I would challenge to pray and consider where each child is at. Here's a chart that was pinned on pinterest. And here's a book that I reference yearly to see how we're doing.

Circles or Responsibility- I had all of these things in mind, then this weekend I learned about these circles. Understanding responsibility- those I've taken myself compared to those actually assigned to me by God, is already a huge benefit to my life. I haven't yet read this book, but it comes highly recommended by some folks I really trust and respect.


This is a pretty long post. If you've made it this far, I hope that there's something in here that you can apply to your own family life. And is there anything I've missed? What other components of responsibility should we be building into our children? What are some practical helps that you've found useful?

Loving Other People's Children

So, I'm doing a Bible study with some ladies from my church. Actually, we're reading a book together (based on Titus 2). I try to look up the verses, as well. But, you know. Anyways, after each week I walk away thinking that I'm not done with the conversation. But our last discussion has been with me, especially since I didn't feel like we had gotten through all the practicals.

You see, the title of the chapter was "Loving Your Children" and out of the fifteen or more women who were there, only five of us were moms. So where does that leave everyone else? Looking forward to some nebulous future where they might have children? Some aren't even married, yet. How could they implement this in their lives today? We started talking about it, but by no means did we create a comprehensive list. So, since I've been thinking about it, I've decided to write all my thoughts down. Maybe then I can move on to the next chapter :) Without further ado, my thoughts on loving other people's children. I have other thoughts on helping out a new mom, that I'll post later. And please! Add your thoughts in the comments!

Teach Sunday school. This is a great way to get to know children. You can have a positive influence in their lives by doing this simple job. And it's also a great service to the parents, who tend to take the bulk of the teaching responsibilities.

Have real conversations. Don't just brush kids aside. Look them in the eye, get down on their level, and have a chat. This is hard if you're not comfortable around children, but it gets easier! Kids are just like everyone else- they love to talk about the things that interest them. Ask them what toys they played with today or about what they're learning in school. Have a couple of go-to questions to help you get started until it comes more naturally.

Play with them. Once you start getting to know the kids, they'll seek you out and might start viewing them as their friends. And what do kids do? They play! Little ones (under 5) will play peek a book or chase. Middle ones (elementary ages) like tag and wrestling. Older ones (teens) still like these things too, but they'd rather be "cool" with you.

Watch out for them. Don't let them get away with stuff. If you see a child doing something wrong- call them on it. Bring it to the attention of their parents.

Invite them over. Some things are more interesting when you have children underfoot. Invite some kids over to bake and decorate cookies, or for a fun craft project, or popcorn and a movie. I'm sure the parents will love it, too :)

Babysit. In the same vein, offer to take the kids so mom can have a free afternoon, or the couple can enjoy a date night.

Enjoy them. I found it extremely interesting that the "love" in Titus 2 referring to children is the "phileo" love of befriending them. What an eye opener! So, please, enjoy children. Whether they're yours or not.

The House We Really Live In

It all started with this picture.

I thought about cropping it...or kicking some of the crap out of the way before Greg snapped the photo. But then I decided to just let it be what it really is. There are so many times I'm looking at friends pics and facebook. And do you know what? I'm not looking at their cute kids! Nope. I'm actually looking at the floor in the background and thinking about what a terrible housekeeper I am.

So here's a picture that shows our house in it's real life glory. Today, a friend said that she didn't think our house was messy. Just lived in and loved. I laughed at her. This afternoon I snapped a few pictures to prove her wrong. :) So, here we go. A tour of my house.

This is my entry-way. The beautiful spots on the wall that need to be painted, or really the whole wall that needs to be painted! There are coats on the floor (hey at least they made it to the right area, there's still several hanging out on the couch!) And of course, the obligatory toys on the floor and even the baseball gloves hanging out of the drawers.

And these are the stairs. All of this junk belongs up there. Would you believe that we had this cleared off just two days ago? The basket was overflowing then, too!

At the top of the stairs you'll find my children's bathroom. This isn't too terrible today. I make them clean it every day. There are still dirty clothes in here, toothbrushes scattered everywhere. And a pile of toys are behind the door, as well. You'll walk down the hallway, past the crib that's dismantled, but there's no place to store it. And the toy crumbs (read: broken bits of toys that cling to the walls) and you'll find yourself entering my children's bedroom.

This is another room I make them clean every day. Can you tell? Today the dirty clothes are mixed in with the clean clothes that didn't quite get put away, and the stack of dresses I had laid so carefully across the changing table. Yesterday Roselyn decided she didn't need a nap and climbed up the shelf (spilling everything off) and onto the changing table (throwing everything off). I had enough time to put a few things back, but for the last day I've just been shoving clothes out of my way and sitting on the floor to change her. 

And there's a terrible smell emanating from the beds that are wet on at night...because I can't remember the last time I changed the sheets (I mean really, who has time to change six beds every week?). Books and toys are mixed in here too (although they're not allowed). Will you also believe that I sent them each up and made them clean up their stuff before letting them watch football this afternoon? This is the "cleaned up" version!

Right next door, you'll find the school room. This is the view from the door way. Yeah, you can't really walk in there... All of these tubs have a home on the shelf to your left. Right now, it doesn't even appear that the toys that are IN the tubs are in the right ones. And why would a child ever pick up the tub and put it on the shelf. My kids certainly can't do it without crying for twenty minutes, even though it's about two feet away from where the tub is sitting.

After scooching in a little you can get an even better view of the bed that's not only unmade, but losing it's sheets. Chairs are, of course, meant to be upside down. I didn't dare take a closeup of the desk/table for you. Of course if you threw five dozen sheets of paper, three or four boxes of crayons and a couple dozen pencils on the table and stirred it all up- you'd be half way there. 

And one obligatory photo from my bedroom. We got this shelf so I could keep craft materials away from the kids and in an organized manner. Yeah, if I could get to the shelf over the boxes of other junk, it would be a great system.

So, there you have it. The real house we live in. Please tell me yours looks more like mine then all those beautiful photos on Pinterest.

Raising Little Geeks

I didn't mean to do it, but I don't think we can help it. We're raising little geeks. But how can we do anything but that? Look at us. I blame my husband.

Sure, I was a geek in school- but just your average study to get an A kind of gal. My activities consisted of music and academic clubs. But my husband, now he's a geek. He once studied all day for a final in college and brought a calculus grade up from a D to a B+. (I can only wonder what would have happened if he'd opened his book earlier in the semester!) And when we watch Jeopardy, he knows all the answers. And wonders why no one on the show knows it, too!

So, there's really no hope for our kids.

Dr. Uncle Tim showing
Zachary his own cheek cells.

At first it made me smile. When the boys were 4 and 5 we had watched some Sid the Science Kid about simple machines. At the breakfast table they were discussing whether a fork is an inclined plane or a lever. When they decided to experiment with their eggs, I called it off :)

The small forays into geekiness continued. They love science and exploring and "what if" and I try to let them explore and experiment, even if it's messy. One of the big reasons we homeschool is so that they can do more hands on projects and activities than are generally done in a large classroom setting. Sometimes it's a big experiment, but usually we're observing bees pollinate the flowers, counting the toes on the gecko, or putting cups of water outside to see how long before it freezes. I'm fully convinced that sending my kids out to explore God's world and to interact with it is more important than teaching them to read or memorizing math facts (although we still do that!). But they're starting to surprise me with the levels of understanding that they have. The geekiness is invading their play.

My little paleontologists.

We took a trip to Texas a few weeks ago. We were so close to the ocean, I convinced Greg to take us there for  the morning. The tide was out and the beach was covered with shells. We splashed in the waves and collected shells. Greg showed them the bubbles made by the little sand crabs buried in the sand (semi-geeky, but pretty standard). The real surprise came when one of the kids said, "Mama, we're going to pretend to be paleontologists looking for micro-fossils." I continued to look for pretty shells.

Quinlan playing chess at the
Children's Museum.

It happened again last night. I had to tear the boys away from their game to set the table. In fact, I had to take it from them and put the pieces away because they were so distracted by it. In the amount of time it took me to move the food from the stove to the table, the boys had the chess board set back up and were already four moves into a game. I never thought I would have to tell my kids (ages 6 and 7) that there would be no chess playing at the dinner table.

Don't worry too much about my kids, they still love to play house and cooking show. They love to draw and craft. They love to play football in the hallway. But I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm raising little geeks.

Do your kids do or say anything that surprises you?

God's Voice

A couple weekends ago, my church had an "olympic" event. The small groups competed against each other in many events. I arrived with my napping girls after things were under way. I really only paid attention to one adult event, and it was the obstacle course. Two teammates were tied together as if in a three-legged race, as well as blindfolded. One teammate shouted directions to them- go left, crawl through the tube, stuff like that. Along the way, they were bombarded with kids with water guns, and a "big kid" with a hose. :)

As I sat at the picnic table (well away from the spraying water), I watched about eight people shouting directions. They were trying hard to get their voices above the crowd. (At church the next day, several men were hoarse!) I wondered what would happen if we did that race as families. The parents shouted directions to the their kids. Would the kids trust and obey? Would they be able to pick their parents' voices out of the crowd?

That's exactly what we're going for with our kids. We want our kids to be able to hear our voices above all the other inputs in their lives. It doesn't take much for other influences to start pulling their attention. Whether it's a friend from church or commercials on tv, we want our voices to be the ones they hear over and above everything else. We want our voices to be the ones that they listen for and know. We want our voices to be the ones they respect, understand, and obey. And I don't want to be hoarse the next day!

This morning I heard a song on the radio. It's called "To Know You" by Casting Crowns. One line in particular speaks on this very thought "To know You is to hear Your voice when You are calling." I can know when I am close to God by how well I can hear His voice. Just like with my kids. When we're at the park, do they come running when I call, or do they ignore me for a few more seconds on the swing? And what's my swing- what am I holding onto and ignoring God for? I need to spend time with my Lord and learn to know His voice. As He's trying to take care of me, it's important that I can hear His voice above all the other voices competing for my attention. If He calls directions to me, I want to hear them. I want to avoid the mud pit and the spraying water. I want to follow His voice and win the race. And I don't think I want to know what it feels like to have the Lord shouting at me!

Last week we had a huge crack of thunder and my two year old was out of bed and started crying. My husband went up to console her but also told her that was God saying "get back in bed!" Is that what it would be like to have the Lord shout at me? I'd much rather be so attuned to His voice that I can hear Him whisper. That I can see Him smiling at me in the softness of a rainbow, that I can hear Him in the gentle breeze through the trees, that I can see His hand as my husband holds mine, that I can hear Him in my children's laughter.

I think that knowing God and hearing His voice is about so much more than the "big things." God is in the little things that are the dailyness of our life. And the more that we get to know Him, the more we WANT to know Him. It actually reminds me of another song that struck me today. One line says "It's more like falling in love than something to believe in." (But that's a story for another day.) Knowing God is and adventure. It's about understanding the eternal from the temporary, it's about sharing His love with the world, it's about trusting God, it's about hearing His voice.

Check out Casting Crown's website for the lyrics to this song, as well as the Scripture that inspired every line of the song. I couldn't find an official version of the song, but I did find this one on You Tube that will allow you to hear it for yourself. I encourage you to grab a Bible and search out the verses for more about what God says about this subject.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 / 2 Corinthians 4:18 / 2 Corinthians 5:11-12 / Ephesians 4:20-24 / Philippians 3 / Philippians 4:12-13