I woke up one morning a couple of weeks ago, and we started right in on our morning routine- getting dressed, straightening up the bedroom, eating breakfast. As we ate our oatmeal, I realized that I felt "lighter" than I had been. The impending sense of doom was not present, and I was actually enjoying my time with my kids. I thought the sun must have returned and wondered if it would be warm enough for the kids to play outside later. It would be nice to see the sun again, it's been along cold winter in more ways than one. We cleared our dishes and I started opening the blinds and I was completely shocked by what I saw. Where was the sun? It was a cold, gray, drizzly morning. Yet I was feeling refreshed and cheerful. What had happened to me?
After my last post things continued to spiral downwards. After what felt like a panic attack just thinking about leaving the house for our small group, I broke down completely while discussing who Greg would leave home with me while he and some of the kids left for the evening. They all ended up staying home, and I knew it was finally time to admit that there was no longer anything I could do to fix this myself. I called and made an appointment with my doctor and got in the next day. (This is hard enough to do in the best of circumstances, but that week he was even working half days only. God pulled some strings for me!)
I explained to him what had been going on and we talked about the factors involved. He then prescribed a vitamin supplement that has shown some promise. If after a week I didn't notice a change he gave me a sample prescription to try out. I started taking the vitamins on Saturday and the above story was from the following Wednesday morning. Just four days later and my emotions had stabilized and I had my life back.
When I called to make that appointment with the doctor, I felt like a complete and utter failure. Every song that came on the radio was about God helping those in need, people singing about lifting their eyes to the Lord, about how God is the only thing we need. Why wasn't He helping me? Why couldn't I find my strength in the Lord? What was wrong with ME? I still don't fully have the answers. What I do know is that our bodies are extremely complicated and I shouldn't pretend otherwise. The Lord has provided many ways for us to be helped, and more often than not, I've found that it involves humbling myself and accepting help from another person, rather than a supernatural event.
I'm looking forward to this week of warm weather and sunshine. But even if the the skies were going to be gray, I know that it's gonna be a bright day inside my heart.