Nap Time

My almost-two-year-old does not like being putting down for her naps. Now that she's getting more verbal she has also grown more sophisticated in her manipulation of me during our nap time routine. I stand by the crib and pat her back for a minute or two before lying her down. She used to point at the rocking chair, then progressed to verbalizing "rock me, rock me" Probably because once I sit down, the rocking and patting lasts a little bit longer. :)

Her language skills have continued to grow, and now she has enough skill to be able to ask for a song. A few minutes ago, I was rocking her before nap time and she was so tired that she was already falling asleep in my arms. I shifted so I could stand and move her to her bed and she opened her eyes and mumbled "Jesus Loves Me" in an obvious attempt to delay nap time (even though she was already asleep).

Yes, baby doll, Jesus does love you. I pray that each and every day you will grow in your understanding of just how much He loves you. I pray that as parents, we can model His love in way that is real and significant to your little life. I pray that His love will carry you through your teens and into adult hood. I pray that you will always find your love and satisfaction in Him and Him alone. Yes, Jesus loves you.

My Own Brain

My kids are hitting the age where they say amazingly funny and insightful things. This morning we had a great example of that. Here's the situation: Veronica was chewing with her mouth open and making loud smacking noises. This bothered Quinlan who was sitting opposite of her. First, he told me she was doing that. I told him to stop tattling and to talk to his sister about doing the right thing before he tells me about it. Here's what he said to her, "Veronica, you should obey Mama instead of your own brain." 

Wow... how many times in my life do I follow my own brain? My own wishes and thoughts and desires. God has a good and perfect plan for my life. Sometimes it's exactly what my heart desires, and sometimes my heart has to trust and obey anyways and sometimes I plug my ears and try to ignore Him. This reminds me of a passage in Romans 7. It's hard to follow Paul's reasoning. Today, I looked it up in "The Message" and was floored by this passage. I just want to soak it up and get this into my life. If I can understand this passage and live it out in my life- wow, I would be a radically different person than I am today!

^14-16I can anticipate the response that is coming: "I know that all God's commands are spiritual, but I'm not. Isn't this also your experience?" Yes. I'm full of myself—after all, I've spent a long time in sin's prison. What I don't understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can't be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God's command is necessary.
 ^17-20But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can't keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good, but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.
 ^21-23It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

Sin is a struggle for Paul, too! It's not just me! Sin has a way of entangling itself into my life and drawing me within it's web. There's nothing I desire more than to do good- to keep a welcoming home, to train my children well. And yet, what all too often comes out in my life is the struggle to stay on top of daily chores, yelling at my children, and arguing with my husband. That's not what I want to do! Yet I do it anyways. Regularly. Predictably. And I am disgusted by it.

²⁴I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?

YES! This is me! I've read book after book about home maintenance and child-rearing. I've asked other mothers what they do. I've prayed and cried and lamented the state of my home, my children, my self. I'm at the end of my rope. What should I do? There HAS to be an answer. And right here in this passage, Paul gives one.

 ²⁵The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.

The answer is found in Christ. He has set things right. I do not need to live a life given over to sin and temptation. Chapter eight continues on in this way. We read about what His death and resurrection truly mean for those who accept Him. I think the title of this section says it all: "Life on God's Terms."

^1-2With the arrival of Jesus, the Messiah, that fateful dilemma is resolved. Those who enter into Christ's being-here-for-us no longer have to live under a continuous, low-lying black cloud. A new power is in operation. The Spirit of life in Christ, like a strong wind, has magnificently cleared the air, freeing you from a fated lifetime of brutal tyranny at the hands of sin and death.

There is something new! I don't have to live my life under a black cloud. He has cleared the air and freed me from a life of sin and death. Life with Him does not bring anxiety, fear, or depression. Life with Him means there's a way out of those ways of thinking and acting.

 ^3-4God went for the jugular when he sent his own Son. He didn't deal with the problem as something remote and unimportant. In his Son, Jesus, he personally took on the human condition, entered the disordered mess of struggling humanity in order to set it right once and for all. The law code, weakened as it always was by fractured human nature, could never have done that.
   The law always ended up being used as a Band-Aid on sin instead of a deep healing of it. And now what the law code asked for but we couldn't deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the Spirit is doing in us.

What God did by sending Christ was absolutely amazing! All of creation is changed for good. We can rip that band-aid right off, because there is true healing in Christ. It is done, it is finished. My sin has been taken care of.

 ^5-8Those who think they can do it on their own end up obsessed with measuring their own moral muscle but never get around to exercising it in real life. Those who trust God's action in them find that God's Spirit is in them—living and breathing God! Obsession with self in these matters is a dead end; attention to God leads us out into the open, into a spacious, free life. Focusing on the self is the opposite of focusing on God. Anyone completely absorbed in self ignores God, ends up thinking more about self than God. That person ignores who God is and what he is doing. And God isn't pleased at being ignored.

God isn't pleased at being ignored. He created us to be in relationship with Him. He has been saddened since that first sin tore us away from His presence. His whole mission since has been to restore that. But it's up to me. I can choose to live my own life on my own terms. But, oh, how much better it is to live with He who created me! His Spirit is living inside of me! 

 ^9-11But if God himself has taken up residence in your life, you can hardly be thinking more of yourself than of him. Anyone, of course, who has not welcomed this invisible but clearly present God, the Spirit of Christ, won't know what we're talking about. But for you who welcome him, in whom he dwells—even though you still experience all the limitations of sin—you yourself experience life on God's terms. It stands to reason, doesn't it, that if the alive-and-present God who raised Jesus from the dead moves into your life, he'll do the same thing in you that he did in Jesus, bringing you alive to himself? When God lives and breathes in you (and he does, as surely as he did in Jesus), you are delivered from that dead life. With his Spirit living in you, your body will be as alive as Christ's!

Sin is still here. It still calls out to me. But there is something different, now- the Spirit lives inside of me! God's power (the same power that raised Jesus from the dead) is in my life! there is nothing that I can't do, so long as I call upon that power. To have patience with my children seems a trifling compared to the amazing well of power I have to draw upon. I am delivered from the pain and death and have a new life. And it is alive and life-giving.

 ^12-14So don't you see that we don't owe this old do-it-yourself life one red cent. There's nothing in it for us, nothing at all. The best thing to do is give it a decent burial and get on with your new life. God's Spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!

Oh the places you'll go! There's no need to look back upon and dwell upon where I've been. I can set it aside and turn away from it. I owe it nothing. God is calling to me. Passionately. Tenderly. He is right there, with His hands held out. He is waiting for me to place my hand in His. He will take me on an incredible journey!

 ^15-17This resurrection life you received from God is not a timid, grave-tending life. It's adventurously expectant, greeting God with a childlike "What's next, Papa?" God's Spirit touches our spirits and confirms who we really are. We know who he is, and we know who we are: Father and children. And we know we are going to get what's coming to us—an unbelievable inheritance! We go through exactly what Christ goes through. If we go through the hard times with him, then we're certainly going to go through the good times with him!

A life of following after Christ is not easy. He suffered many things! But if I'm willing to go through the hard times with Him, there is a hope and a blessing- getting to share in His eternal rewards. So, I simply say, "What's next, Papa?"

It's Gonna Be a Bright Sunshiney Day

I woke up one morning a couple of weeks ago, and we started right in on our morning routine- getting dressed, straightening up the bedroom, eating breakfast. As we ate our oatmeal, I realized that I felt "lighter" than I had been. The impending sense of doom was not present, and I was actually enjoying my time with my kids. I thought the sun must have returned and wondered if it would be warm enough for the kids to play outside later. It would be nice to see the sun again, it's been  along cold winter in more ways than one. We cleared our dishes and I started opening the blinds and I was completely shocked by what I saw. Where was the sun? It was a cold, gray, drizzly morning. Yet I was feeling refreshed and cheerful. What had happened to me?

After my last post things continued to spiral downwards. After what felt like a panic attack just thinking about leaving the house for our small group, I broke down completely while discussing who Greg would leave home with me while he and some of the kids left for the evening. They all ended up staying home, and I knew it was finally time to admit that there was no longer anything I could do to fix this myself. I called and made an appointment with my doctor and got in the next day. (This is hard enough to do in the best of circumstances, but that week he was even working half days only. God pulled some strings for me!)

I explained to him what had been going on and we talked about the factors involved. He then prescribed a vitamin supplement that has shown some promise. If after a week I didn't notice a change he gave me a sample prescription to try out. I started taking the vitamins on Saturday and the above story was from the following Wednesday morning. Just four days later and my emotions had stabilized and I had my life back.

When I called to make that appointment with the doctor, I felt like a complete and utter failure. Every song that came on the radio was about God helping those in need, people singing about lifting their eyes to the Lord, about how God is the only thing we need. Why wasn't He helping me? Why couldn't I find my strength in the Lord? What was wrong with ME? I still don't fully have the answers. What I do know is that our bodies are extremely complicated and I shouldn't pretend otherwise. The Lord has provided many ways for us to be helped, and more often than not, I've found that it involves humbling myself and accepting help from another person, rather than a supernatural event.

I'm looking forward to this week of warm weather and sunshine. But even if the the skies were going to be gray, I know that it's gonna be a bright day inside my heart.

The Black Hole

For the past two months I have felt like the world was closing in around me. A thick cloud of despair has been hanging over my head. I want to cry all the time, and often burst into tears for no reason. My feelings of being trapped and stuck have nothing to do with my circumstances. Sure it's hard having five kids and attempting to take care of them all and educate them, as well. But I know the feeling of being overwhelmed with the number of tasks on my plate, and this is not that. I am overwhelmed by my emotions regardless of the things that I have to do, or don't have to do.

I have no desire to get out and be with people (and I'm a major extrovert), I don't even have any desire to get out of my chair. And the only reason I'm not still in bed is because these four children seem to think they ought to have breakfast. I let them run off afterwards to whatever play they have in mind, so I can sit and do nothing. And be overwhelmed in it. 

In late January, my friend Audra over at Rediscovering Domesticity passed along a blog award. She had received it from Beyond Postpartum. As I was clicking through some of the blogs, I saw myself in many of the posts about Postpartum Depression. I also realized that Roselyn was over a month old, and I should hvae been out of the "baby blues" stage. I found a quiz online (I can't find the link today) and discovered that my symptoms fell in the moderate to severe range of PPD. Now what?

I spoke with my husband. That was hard. He's not an emotional or sensitive kind of guy. That's not normally an issue in our relationship, because I'm not really an emotional or sensitive kind of gal. So this has hit us hard. I find it difficult to talk about my emotions under normal circumstances, but now they have overwhelmed me and I don't have any words to describe them, and I have no reason for why they are there. I've done some searching online, and as I read more and more of the symptoms, I became more and more convinced that PPD is what has been happening to me. While it was nice to have a name for it, to know that I'm not crazy, that others have gone through this and things turned out quite well, I was clueless in how to address the issue. I wanted to DO something. I wanted to find joy in life again. 

The Bible study I'm going through with the ladies of my church has a line that has really struck me at the beginning of all of this "...you should have joy, and comfort, and life through believing in Him..." I had none of those. I have a wonderful family, great friends, lots of support, but I had no joy, no comfort, no life. How could I get those? Through believing in Him? I believe in Christ! I want those! 

After breaking my silence and talking with my husband about all that I was feeling, I was able to open myself up to a few women in my life. Women who would support me in prayer, women who would encourage me, women who loved me. I'm not sure how much talking about it helped, but I know the prayer support has been huge. I still didn't know what to do, didn't know where to turn, didn't know how to handle these emotions that weren't based in any circumstances, but people were praying for me, and God has been moving in my life. 

This week my MOPS group had a speaker on the "Black Hole" of motherhood- postpartum depression. I was so looking forward to her talk and hopeful that she would share some useful tips for me. The day before the meeting, one of my kids got sick and vomited. Not sure if she would be better or who else would get it, I had to stay home and not infect all the other families. And of course, everyone was fine that morning. As I sat in my chair, yet again, I wondered what she was sharing, I wondered what could help me overcome the despondancy that has overtaken my soul. I wondered why God had kept me home during the one talk that I was sure could help me. (I'm still not sure, we'll see if He makes that clear someday.) This past week had been better, but I knew I wasn't out of it, yet. And I wasn't sure WHY it was better. 

My mentor called that afternoon. She shared some great points that the speaker made. I wasn't interested in the statistics that she shared, but the treatments- getting my normal life back. That's what matters to me. She shared three things that help (besides drugs)- group therapy/support system, sleep, and just doing it. Finally! I have some of the answers I have been looking for. All of those things have been in my life. I have shared with a few and have more support in the last couple of weeks. Roselyn has been sleeping longer and longer stretches at night- up to eight hours at a time! And with all these others, I have had to get up and do the normal things of daily life, even if it was just going through the motions. I wondered if it was too late, though, since this week has been so much better, had I already made it through to the other side?

Nope. After Bible study this morning, I came home and was overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness and despair. Everything was crumbling around me. And there certainly wasn't a reason for it after such an uplifting time with such wonderful women. Our study this past week has been on Mary, the mother of Jesus, and how she was able to submit to the Lord in all things. I don't understand what He is doing in me right now, why He is allowing my emotions to be so unstable, what good can come of this? But I can look to Mary's response when she was in a difficult situation- "I am Yours, do as You will." I can trust, that even if I can't see the other side, even if I don't know what good can come, that He has a plan. He is good, and holy, and I can place my trust in Him. He makes no mistakes and the way I handle my life, and the situations that arise can bring Him great glory. He is allowing this and using it in my life to make me more like Christ. 

So, I don't know why exactly I'm writing this for the whole world to read. Except that in the writing of it, I can clarify my thoughts at least a little and find some healing. Looking back on the past two months, I can see that things are getting better and that hope and joy are slowly returning to me. I know that I'm not alone. I know that this is common among women. And there is no shame in admitting that it has struck me, and I am down. And more women need to talk about this, to share their struggles, to share what gets them through, to be a light on the other side for someone in the midst of it. Because, honestly, I know dozens of moms, but could not think of more than one or two who have been in this place. And statistically speaking, more of the moms I know have been in this same sinkhole. 

Here I am, hanging it all out there in hopes that someone can offer a little encouragement that this isn't how I will feel forever. That I will someday again have control over my mental stability. And a truth to hold onto from 2 Corinthians 1:5- As I share in the sufferings of Christ, I will also share in the blessings of Christ. 

Resolved

It's that time of year, well past that time of year, when we make resolutions. I was curious about the word resolution and found the definition here. Here's my conclusion: Resolution- Resolved- "to make a firm decision about." So resolutions aren't wishy washy things we hope for in the new year. Resolutions are something we're decided upon, we're firm about it, it's something we want and are seeking after. Can you even remember the resolutions you made last year? I can't. I guess I wasn't very firm about them.

One thing I have always struggled with and always seek to be better about is my daily time in the Word of God. I'm not very consistent. Oh, sure, I'll have weeks, even months, where I make the time to read and pray at least five times a week. But as soon as I struggle a little bit, it's gone and takes months and months to get back to it.

One of the most important "rules" of resolutions or goals is to have a specific plan. It's also important to have goals that are measurable. This year, I intend to read through a one-year Bible reading plan. (I'll be using a One Year Bible.) Last time I tried this it took two years (but I did it!). This time around, I've conned, um asked, a few friends into reading with me. We'll meet each week to share how God spoke to us through His Word. Specific and measurable. Great. Now how to make it work in my crazy life?

Reading the Bible in one year really only requires about fifteen minutes a day. But I need it to be quiet for those fifteen minutes and I have five kids. How do you get five little ones to sit quietly for fifteen minutes? The same way you get Mama to sit quietly for fifteen minutes- give them each a Bible! It's been really fun this week to see them each with their Bibles. I've asked them at the end what they learned, and the responses have been (mostly) great. After just a few days, they can sit quietly for about ten minutes. Usually, it's Eleanor that's trying to get up, but she's already doubled her time from the five minutes she did the first day. So, now my goal is for them to sit quietly for thirty minutes, and I might get some praying and journaling in, too!

What are you resovled to improve upon this year? How are you going to make it specific and measurable? How are you going to make it work in your life? I'm excited to hear from you!

Meet Roselyn

Every birth story is a little different. Even having had all of my children via c-section, things are a little bit different each time. I think that the only things that have been the same for us is that we've had the same surgeon and all of my kids have been born on Tuesday.

This Tuesday started out a little differently, since we were scheduled for a noon baby. We enjoyed a couple of hours at home with the other kids before heading off. Once we got there, things were pretty similar in the prep department. We had a wonderful nurse working with us and we knew what to expect at each step of the way. It's still amazes me that there are three doctors, an anesthesiologist, and half a dozen or so nurses all devoted to caring for me and my baby!

When Roselyn was born they brought her over to the warmer and cleaned her up. I got to keep my glasses, so I could see what was going on this time around. She did not like being out in the cold and cried a lot. She weighed a mere 5 pounds 15 ounces and was 18 3/4 inches long.

When I was done in the delivery room they wheeled me over to recovery, just like normal. But this time, baby got to come with me! In the past they have used this time to take baby to the nursery and get it all cleaned up. This time I got to cuddle with my baby and they did the washing up right there in recovery. It wasn't until we were in there than anybody asked us what her name was. Two minutes later the lab tech came in to do her first blood poke, and her name was Roselyn, too! I was worried that this baby would cry all the time. I'd never spent those first couple hours with my babies before and did not realize how much crying they did! She got it all out of her system and hasn't really cried since. Well, unless we're changing her. It's cold with no pants on!

My room was very nice, but a little small when all the kids came for a visit! Apparently when they were getting ready to leave, they told Eleanor they were going to see the new baby and she said, "no, puppy." I think she's glad for the baby now, though! She is convinced that Roselyn needs all of her blankies and toys at all times. The boys love holding her and touching her soft skin. I'm still not sure what Veronica thinks. Mostly, everyone is still excited about Grandma being here to take care of them and having all this snow and Christmas, too. What a busy week it's been at our house!

I wanted very much to come home on Christmas Eve (one day before regular discharge after a c-section). That's always been the time for our family to read from the Bible and open our stockings. Because we went into the week planning to push my recovery and discharge date, we were ready to go before the blizzard made the roads impassable. Praise the Lord! We had a wonderful evening with Greg reading from the Word and the kids acting out the story with the nativity set. They all got sleeping bags under the tree and had a slumber party in their bedroom. Sweet memories.

The most difficult part of the process was trying to get my pain meds. We stopped at the pharmacy on the way home and dropped the prescription off. They told us fifteen minutes. We figured Greg would pick it up when he took the kids to the Christmas Eve service a couple hours later. When that was cancelled due to weather, he headed out to get it then. Unfortunately, they did not tell us that they were closing one hour after we dropped the prescription off and he arrived a few minutes too late. I was devastated! The prescription could not be picked up at another location or called in to another pharmacy. We called the hospital, and the nurse wasn't sure what to do, either. Thankfully, the doctor was able to call in a prescription for a different pain reliever and Greg braved the snowy weather to head to an open pharmacy. Thanks to my wonderful husband, I had drugs on Chirstmas Day :) There was enough in the bottle to get through the blizzard until our original pharmacy opened. My husband was even willing to walk down there for me, but the main streets were plowed by then, too.

The Lord has truly been gracious to us. Other things have progressed extremely well this time around. All of our babies have had some jaundice that required extra attention, but no light therapy. Roselyn is a great eater helping to flush all that bilirubin out, and we've even been able to avoid any extra pokes! Usually my post-op swelling has me sitting in a chair with ice on my feet, but this time it's been practically non-existent. My pain has been fairly managable, too. And last night, Roselyn slept for six hours! What more could a Mama ask for a week after delivery?

Thank you, Lord, for a wonderful new baby. You have truly blessed our family with Roselyn's presence. We pray that she will grow into a compassionate woman who loves You above and beyond all else and serves You out of a grateful heart. We pray that we can be the kind of parents You desire us to be and that we will turn to You for wisdom and guidance each and every step of the way. What an adventure parenting is!

Merry Christmas

Our Christmas photo cards arrived the day before Thanksgiving. It's not that I'm that organized, it's that I found a great deal to take advantage of to motivate us to get that photo taken! So, I worked on our letter and had it ready to go a week later. Did it get printed then? nope. I e-mailed it to absolutely everyone in my contacts list a week ago (and cut down on the number that need to be printed and mailed). Did it get printed then? nope. I finished addressing and stamping all the envelopes this weekend. Did it get printed then? nope. So, here we are, six hours away from having a baby. Is it printed yet? nope. Finding time to get to a color printer amidst the cleaning and prepping for normal life is crazy enough. Add Christmas to the mix and it takes me a little longer each year. Add getting ready for baby #5 to all of that chaos and I've decided to give up! I'm going to include a little printed note with the link to this site. Why didn't I think of this three weeks ago? Oh well. Next year, I'll probably print it right on the photo cards! The December chaos will be a little lighter in the future, but we also have a birthday to celebrate from now on, too. Without further ado, here is the much anticipated Hendrickson family Christmas letter. May it make you smile. :)