It's Gonna Be a Bright Sunshiney Day

I woke up one morning a couple of weeks ago, and we started right in on our morning routine- getting dressed, straightening up the bedroom, eating breakfast. As we ate our oatmeal, I realized that I felt "lighter" than I had been. The impending sense of doom was not present, and I was actually enjoying my time with my kids. I thought the sun must have returned and wondered if it would be warm enough for the kids to play outside later. It would be nice to see the sun again, it's been  along cold winter in more ways than one. We cleared our dishes and I started opening the blinds and I was completely shocked by what I saw. Where was the sun? It was a cold, gray, drizzly morning. Yet I was feeling refreshed and cheerful. What had happened to me?

After my last post things continued to spiral downwards. After what felt like a panic attack just thinking about leaving the house for our small group, I broke down completely while discussing who Greg would leave home with me while he and some of the kids left for the evening. They all ended up staying home, and I knew it was finally time to admit that there was no longer anything I could do to fix this myself. I called and made an appointment with my doctor and got in the next day. (This is hard enough to do in the best of circumstances, but that week he was even working half days only. God pulled some strings for me!)

I explained to him what had been going on and we talked about the factors involved. He then prescribed a vitamin supplement that has shown some promise. If after a week I didn't notice a change he gave me a sample prescription to try out. I started taking the vitamins on Saturday and the above story was from the following Wednesday morning. Just four days later and my emotions had stabilized and I had my life back.

When I called to make that appointment with the doctor, I felt like a complete and utter failure. Every song that came on the radio was about God helping those in need, people singing about lifting their eyes to the Lord, about how God is the only thing we need. Why wasn't He helping me? Why couldn't I find my strength in the Lord? What was wrong with ME? I still don't fully have the answers. What I do know is that our bodies are extremely complicated and I shouldn't pretend otherwise. The Lord has provided many ways for us to be helped, and more often than not, I've found that it involves humbling myself and accepting help from another person, rather than a supernatural event.

I'm looking forward to this week of warm weather and sunshine. But even if the the skies were going to be gray, I know that it's gonna be a bright day inside my heart.

The Black Hole

For the past two months I have felt like the world was closing in around me. A thick cloud of despair has been hanging over my head. I want to cry all the time, and often burst into tears for no reason. My feelings of being trapped and stuck have nothing to do with my circumstances. Sure it's hard having five kids and attempting to take care of them all and educate them, as well. But I know the feeling of being overwhelmed with the number of tasks on my plate, and this is not that. I am overwhelmed by my emotions regardless of the things that I have to do, or don't have to do.

I have no desire to get out and be with people (and I'm a major extrovert), I don't even have any desire to get out of my chair. And the only reason I'm not still in bed is because these four children seem to think they ought to have breakfast. I let them run off afterwards to whatever play they have in mind, so I can sit and do nothing. And be overwhelmed in it. 

In late January, my friend Audra over at Rediscovering Domesticity passed along a blog award. She had received it from Beyond Postpartum. As I was clicking through some of the blogs, I saw myself in many of the posts about Postpartum Depression. I also realized that Roselyn was over a month old, and I should hvae been out of the "baby blues" stage. I found a quiz online (I can't find the link today) and discovered that my symptoms fell in the moderate to severe range of PPD. Now what?

I spoke with my husband. That was hard. He's not an emotional or sensitive kind of guy. That's not normally an issue in our relationship, because I'm not really an emotional or sensitive kind of gal. So this has hit us hard. I find it difficult to talk about my emotions under normal circumstances, but now they have overwhelmed me and I don't have any words to describe them, and I have no reason for why they are there. I've done some searching online, and as I read more and more of the symptoms, I became more and more convinced that PPD is what has been happening to me. While it was nice to have a name for it, to know that I'm not crazy, that others have gone through this and things turned out quite well, I was clueless in how to address the issue. I wanted to DO something. I wanted to find joy in life again. 

The Bible study I'm going through with the ladies of my church has a line that has really struck me at the beginning of all of this "...you should have joy, and comfort, and life through believing in Him..." I had none of those. I have a wonderful family, great friends, lots of support, but I had no joy, no comfort, no life. How could I get those? Through believing in Him? I believe in Christ! I want those! 

After breaking my silence and talking with my husband about all that I was feeling, I was able to open myself up to a few women in my life. Women who would support me in prayer, women who would encourage me, women who loved me. I'm not sure how much talking about it helped, but I know the prayer support has been huge. I still didn't know what to do, didn't know where to turn, didn't know how to handle these emotions that weren't based in any circumstances, but people were praying for me, and God has been moving in my life. 

This week my MOPS group had a speaker on the "Black Hole" of motherhood- postpartum depression. I was so looking forward to her talk and hopeful that she would share some useful tips for me. The day before the meeting, one of my kids got sick and vomited. Not sure if she would be better or who else would get it, I had to stay home and not infect all the other families. And of course, everyone was fine that morning. As I sat in my chair, yet again, I wondered what she was sharing, I wondered what could help me overcome the despondancy that has overtaken my soul. I wondered why God had kept me home during the one talk that I was sure could help me. (I'm still not sure, we'll see if He makes that clear someday.) This past week had been better, but I knew I wasn't out of it, yet. And I wasn't sure WHY it was better. 

My mentor called that afternoon. She shared some great points that the speaker made. I wasn't interested in the statistics that she shared, but the treatments- getting my normal life back. That's what matters to me. She shared three things that help (besides drugs)- group therapy/support system, sleep, and just doing it. Finally! I have some of the answers I have been looking for. All of those things have been in my life. I have shared with a few and have more support in the last couple of weeks. Roselyn has been sleeping longer and longer stretches at night- up to eight hours at a time! And with all these others, I have had to get up and do the normal things of daily life, even if it was just going through the motions. I wondered if it was too late, though, since this week has been so much better, had I already made it through to the other side?

Nope. After Bible study this morning, I came home and was overwhelmed with feelings of hopelessness and despair. Everything was crumbling around me. And there certainly wasn't a reason for it after such an uplifting time with such wonderful women. Our study this past week has been on Mary, the mother of Jesus, and how she was able to submit to the Lord in all things. I don't understand what He is doing in me right now, why He is allowing my emotions to be so unstable, what good can come of this? But I can look to Mary's response when she was in a difficult situation- "I am Yours, do as You will." I can trust, that even if I can't see the other side, even if I don't know what good can come, that He has a plan. He is good, and holy, and I can place my trust in Him. He makes no mistakes and the way I handle my life, and the situations that arise can bring Him great glory. He is allowing this and using it in my life to make me more like Christ. 

So, I don't know why exactly I'm writing this for the whole world to read. Except that in the writing of it, I can clarify my thoughts at least a little and find some healing. Looking back on the past two months, I can see that things are getting better and that hope and joy are slowly returning to me. I know that I'm not alone. I know that this is common among women. And there is no shame in admitting that it has struck me, and I am down. And more women need to talk about this, to share their struggles, to share what gets them through, to be a light on the other side for someone in the midst of it. Because, honestly, I know dozens of moms, but could not think of more than one or two who have been in this place. And statistically speaking, more of the moms I know have been in this same sinkhole. 

Here I am, hanging it all out there in hopes that someone can offer a little encouragement that this isn't how I will feel forever. That I will someday again have control over my mental stability. And a truth to hold onto from 2 Corinthians 1:5- As I share in the sufferings of Christ, I will also share in the blessings of Christ. 

Resolved

It's that time of year, well past that time of year, when we make resolutions. I was curious about the word resolution and found the definition here. Here's my conclusion: Resolution- Resolved- "to make a firm decision about." So resolutions aren't wishy washy things we hope for in the new year. Resolutions are something we're decided upon, we're firm about it, it's something we want and are seeking after. Can you even remember the resolutions you made last year? I can't. I guess I wasn't very firm about them.

One thing I have always struggled with and always seek to be better about is my daily time in the Word of God. I'm not very consistent. Oh, sure, I'll have weeks, even months, where I make the time to read and pray at least five times a week. But as soon as I struggle a little bit, it's gone and takes months and months to get back to it.

One of the most important "rules" of resolutions or goals is to have a specific plan. It's also important to have goals that are measurable. This year, I intend to read through a one-year Bible reading plan. (I'll be using a One Year Bible.) Last time I tried this it took two years (but I did it!). This time around, I've conned, um asked, a few friends into reading with me. We'll meet each week to share how God spoke to us through His Word. Specific and measurable. Great. Now how to make it work in my crazy life?

Reading the Bible in one year really only requires about fifteen minutes a day. But I need it to be quiet for those fifteen minutes and I have five kids. How do you get five little ones to sit quietly for fifteen minutes? The same way you get Mama to sit quietly for fifteen minutes- give them each a Bible! It's been really fun this week to see them each with their Bibles. I've asked them at the end what they learned, and the responses have been (mostly) great. After just a few days, they can sit quietly for about ten minutes. Usually, it's Eleanor that's trying to get up, but she's already doubled her time from the five minutes she did the first day. So, now my goal is for them to sit quietly for thirty minutes, and I might get some praying and journaling in, too!

What are you resovled to improve upon this year? How are you going to make it specific and measurable? How are you going to make it work in your life? I'm excited to hear from you!

Meet Roselyn

Every birth story is a little different. Even having had all of my children via c-section, things are a little bit different each time. I think that the only things that have been the same for us is that we've had the same surgeon and all of my kids have been born on Tuesday.

This Tuesday started out a little differently, since we were scheduled for a noon baby. We enjoyed a couple of hours at home with the other kids before heading off. Once we got there, things were pretty similar in the prep department. We had a wonderful nurse working with us and we knew what to expect at each step of the way. It's still amazes me that there are three doctors, an anesthesiologist, and half a dozen or so nurses all devoted to caring for me and my baby!

When Roselyn was born they brought her over to the warmer and cleaned her up. I got to keep my glasses, so I could see what was going on this time around. She did not like being out in the cold and cried a lot. She weighed a mere 5 pounds 15 ounces and was 18 3/4 inches long.

When I was done in the delivery room they wheeled me over to recovery, just like normal. But this time, baby got to come with me! In the past they have used this time to take baby to the nursery and get it all cleaned up. This time I got to cuddle with my baby and they did the washing up right there in recovery. It wasn't until we were in there than anybody asked us what her name was. Two minutes later the lab tech came in to do her first blood poke, and her name was Roselyn, too! I was worried that this baby would cry all the time. I'd never spent those first couple hours with my babies before and did not realize how much crying they did! She got it all out of her system and hasn't really cried since. Well, unless we're changing her. It's cold with no pants on!

My room was very nice, but a little small when all the kids came for a visit! Apparently when they were getting ready to leave, they told Eleanor they were going to see the new baby and she said, "no, puppy." I think she's glad for the baby now, though! She is convinced that Roselyn needs all of her blankies and toys at all times. The boys love holding her and touching her soft skin. I'm still not sure what Veronica thinks. Mostly, everyone is still excited about Grandma being here to take care of them and having all this snow and Christmas, too. What a busy week it's been at our house!

I wanted very much to come home on Christmas Eve (one day before regular discharge after a c-section). That's always been the time for our family to read from the Bible and open our stockings. Because we went into the week planning to push my recovery and discharge date, we were ready to go before the blizzard made the roads impassable. Praise the Lord! We had a wonderful evening with Greg reading from the Word and the kids acting out the story with the nativity set. They all got sleeping bags under the tree and had a slumber party in their bedroom. Sweet memories.

The most difficult part of the process was trying to get my pain meds. We stopped at the pharmacy on the way home and dropped the prescription off. They told us fifteen minutes. We figured Greg would pick it up when he took the kids to the Christmas Eve service a couple hours later. When that was cancelled due to weather, he headed out to get it then. Unfortunately, they did not tell us that they were closing one hour after we dropped the prescription off and he arrived a few minutes too late. I was devastated! The prescription could not be picked up at another location or called in to another pharmacy. We called the hospital, and the nurse wasn't sure what to do, either. Thankfully, the doctor was able to call in a prescription for a different pain reliever and Greg braved the snowy weather to head to an open pharmacy. Thanks to my wonderful husband, I had drugs on Chirstmas Day :) There was enough in the bottle to get through the blizzard until our original pharmacy opened. My husband was even willing to walk down there for me, but the main streets were plowed by then, too.

The Lord has truly been gracious to us. Other things have progressed extremely well this time around. All of our babies have had some jaundice that required extra attention, but no light therapy. Roselyn is a great eater helping to flush all that bilirubin out, and we've even been able to avoid any extra pokes! Usually my post-op swelling has me sitting in a chair with ice on my feet, but this time it's been practically non-existent. My pain has been fairly managable, too. And last night, Roselyn slept for six hours! What more could a Mama ask for a week after delivery?

Thank you, Lord, for a wonderful new baby. You have truly blessed our family with Roselyn's presence. We pray that she will grow into a compassionate woman who loves You above and beyond all else and serves You out of a grateful heart. We pray that we can be the kind of parents You desire us to be and that we will turn to You for wisdom and guidance each and every step of the way. What an adventure parenting is!

Merry Christmas

Our Christmas photo cards arrived the day before Thanksgiving. It's not that I'm that organized, it's that I found a great deal to take advantage of to motivate us to get that photo taken! So, I worked on our letter and had it ready to go a week later. Did it get printed then? nope. I e-mailed it to absolutely everyone in my contacts list a week ago (and cut down on the number that need to be printed and mailed). Did it get printed then? nope. I finished addressing and stamping all the envelopes this weekend. Did it get printed then? nope. So, here we are, six hours away from having a baby. Is it printed yet? nope. Finding time to get to a color printer amidst the cleaning and prepping for normal life is crazy enough. Add Christmas to the mix and it takes me a little longer each year. Add getting ready for baby #5 to all of that chaos and I've decided to give up! I'm going to include a little printed note with the link to this site. Why didn't I think of this three weeks ago? Oh well. Next year, I'll probably print it right on the photo cards! The December chaos will be a little lighter in the future, but we also have a birthday to celebrate from now on, too. Without further ado, here is the much anticipated Hendrickson family Christmas letter. May it make you smile. :)

Snow Day(s) in a Homeschool

Does anyone know what day it is? This snow and the subsequent schedule changes has me all messed up. I wouldn't have thought that a snow day would affect our homeschool that much, but for some reason it did! Just the feel of being snowed in, having Daddy home in the middle of the week, and feeling like it was a day to just sit around in jammies and blankies with hot drinks made for a fairly non-productive week school-wise. So, how did we fare?

Monday we spent SIX HOURS cleaning our house. And that was just general stuff- no closets or desk piles were touched! Tuesday was spent e-mailing road conditions to Daddy at work. The boys attempted to scoop the driveway, but the garden shovel wasn't getting the job done. These pics are from then, about halfway through the official snow storm. And Eleanor thought I'd let her out, too! We had Daddy home on Wednesday, so it felt like a Saturday. Unfortunately, we had some sick kids. They felt fine by mid morning, but I spent most of the day disinfecting bathrooms. We made some cookies, too. On Thursday, I thought we should get back to our school routine, but by then the school/toy room was a disaster so the kids spent the day attempting to clean it up. I also ordered some new things online that I think will help keep me on track and consistent in the spring. I'm excited about my new books, and hope they get here before Christmas. Today will probably be a day devoted to organizing some games and crafts, and reading some library books. I also get to go grocery shopping tonight (without kids). I'm so excited to get out of the house that I'm hoping it takes a couple hours!

What I did realize this week is that when one is homeschooling we can take hits like crazy weeks and keep on going. Public schools were out for THREE DAYS, and I'm sure everyone thinks those kids will turn out fine. Even though we didn't sit down with our books and I didn't get to cross things off of my school list, my kids were still learning and growing. They've watched their movie on Planets twice this week and have looked through the huge stack of library books at least that many times, as well. Zachary instigated his own experiment about planet rotation after seeing flashlights and balls as a demo in one of those books. We looked through recipes and the boys had to do some simple reading. We doubled one of the recipes and I was amazed at how well the boys did. It could have been a great lesson in fractions, but I didn't think of that at the time. And, as always, my kids are learning about diligence, orderliness, kindness, obedience, and many other characteristics every day.

It would be so easy to look back on this week and feel defeated. We didn't crack even one school book open even one time. I have a huge list of really fun projects that we could do for our planets unit and another one of Christmas crafts that didn't even get looked at. Instead, I will choose to look back on this week and see how our homeschool is such a blessing. This is what I want for our kids. I want them to go through life looking at each and every day as an opportunity to learn and grow, regardless of what's on the schedule or whether they have a structured lesson plan to follow. (And it doesn't seem to matter if our hair stays in it's ponytail, or if we even have pants on!)

So, how did you spend your snow day(s)?

Crayon + Dryer = One Big Mess

What a crazy morning. I woke up with good intentions. Made my to-do list and filled in a schedule. At breakfast the kids were all on board with getting a few things done so we could make a trip to the library and the store. Then we went upstairs and I started unloading the dryer. What's this? Red stuff all over the laundry! A crayon went through the wash! Now the inside of my dryer is pink and a whole load of clothes is pink and red spotted. There went my plans for the day!

I spent some time this morning inside my dryer with a Magic Eraser. I got most of it out. I'm trying a concoction I found on this website http://www.thriftyfun.com/tf001203.tip.html to get the crayon out of the clothes. Hopefully, everything will turn out well. Life with my kids is never boring!

Update: The "recipe" I used got all the pink tinge out of the clothes, and faded most of the spots after soaking for a day. However, some of the worst spots (mostly on white parts) are still there. Now we're down to a hand full of ruined clothes instead of a whole load!

They've played a lot more today than they usually do because of this unexpected turn. Here's one funny story. I'm not sure what they were playing- maybe zoo keeper or some such thing (at least I hope so!)

Veronica- I have to go potty.

Zachary- You can just go in there. (as I bonk my head on the top of the dryer)

Veronica- No, I have to go for real.

Zachary- Well, let's see, if you have to go for real you can...

Mama- If she has to go for real, she can go in the potty chair!

Zachary- Oh yeah.