Teaching our Kids to be Responsible

A friend asked me if I had any ideas for teaching kids about responsibility. I think she asked me because we have fairly high expectations for our children, and I'm always trying out a new chore chart idea. :) I think she was looking for a list of things that kids are capable of at different ages. But my mind has gone somewhere else with these thoughts of responsibility. But if that's what you're looking for, I'll have a few resources at the end!

To preface all of this, I have five kids. Zachary (8), Quinlan (7), Veronica (5), Eleanor (3), Roselyn (2). We homeschool. That means that they are home all day, making messes. This family only functions when we are all working together. Otherwise I would go insane being responsible for everything. I need to delegate some areas of responsibility to my children. For kids in an away from home school setting, there may be things you would adjust so that you could spend fun family time with them rather than an afternoon full of chores. The principles are the same, the amount of time you spend on something like household tasks would be different than they are for my kids.

Your kids know more than you think they do.
They really do. Even before my kids can talk, they're speaking volumes with their eyes. There little minds are already working out ways that they can throw the blocks across the room instead of putting them in their bucket. Age appropriate tasks and responsibilities may be more and bigger things than you are currently thinking.

Real work challenges kids. It makes them feel valued, important, and part of the family. For example, when our toddlers can walk and carry things at the same time they become responsible for putting their dishes in the dishwasher. Along with this goes a phrase I heard when my oldest was still an infant. This has been the guiding principle for teaching our kids household jobs "The youngest person capable of performing a tasks should be responsible for doing it." From something as simple as putting dishes in the dishwasher for a tot to my seven and eight year old boys having complete responsibility for their own laundry- if they are capable, it's theirs.

And this doesn't just go for household jobs, this also applies to behaviors. My two year old knows she shouldn't throw her toys. That means she needs to accept responsibility for the consequences of her behavior. Whether that's discipline for disobedience, or apologizing when someone gets hit in the head.

Expect great things from them.
This is a continuation of the previous point. Give your kids REAL responsibility. Allow them to feel the consequences (positive and negative) of things you've placed into their realm of responsibility. Allow your four year old to make the mashed potatoes and thank her for it while you're eating dinner. When my boys first took on the full responsibility for their own laundry, I allowed them to run out of underwear (on a day we were staying home).

If you give them a job to do, let them do it their way. And don't follow behind redoing it (In the spirit of full disclosure, I do rearrange the dishes to make sure they are facing the right directions. I do not tidy anyone's clothes that they put away.) which leads us to...

It won't be perfect.
When they are first learning how to do something, it's not going to be done as well as if you were doing it yourself. Accept it. Let it be. Some jobs may need to be done more frequently. For example, cleaning the bathrooms is a daily job in our home, simply because it's not really done very well. I could do the job, do it well, and do it once a week. But I choose to accept the job at the quality that my children are capable of and allow them to clean their bathroom their way. I figure that over the course of a week, every spot will be cleaned at least once or twice :)

Start with the end in mind.
As they learn and grow, expect more. A two year can say "I'm sorry" A three year old can say "I'm sorry for___." And a five year old can say "I'm sorry for ____, will you forgive me?" There's a progression for just about anything you want to grow into your children. How do you want your teenagers and adult children to respond and behave? Start now.

Own your stuff.
"Who was supposed to____?" Is a common question in our house. There's no hiding, the kids need to own up to a job poorly done. Try not to blow up when you see that your kids aren't doing/behaving the way you want them to. Whether it's how well the table was wiped off, or an angry response when wronged...let them feel the weight of it, then help them grow into it.

We also have a "no paybacks" rule in effect. It's important to understand what's not your responsibility. It's not my child's responsibility to make sure his sister receives punishment for a wrong she has committed. He needs to bring that to me and trust that I will take care of it. Later on in life, he'll have plenty of things that He'll need to place in God's hands. Practicing that now, will help my kids out a lot.

I also think that allowing your children time for free play allows them to grow into this. Learning how to take care of conflict is a huge lesson that will be with them forever. 

Practical Help
Montessori- I don't know much about this school of learning, what I do know is that they encourage putting things on kids levels and making things easier for kids all around. For our family it looks like plastic dishes, short coat hooks, baskets and bins (instead of shelves), and vinegar water (instead of chemical sprays)-things that make it easier for them to perform the tasks you're asking of them.

Chore Charts/Reward Systems- There are as many of these as there are families in the world. I would like to caution you that a chore chart isn't going to teach your children responsibility. It will provide accountability as you go, though. You can purchase one, you can make. I recommend Pinterest as a great resource for some inspiration.

Age appropriate-ness- This also is as individual as each family. I would challenge to pray and consider where each child is at. Here's a chart that was pinned on pinterest. And here's a book that I reference yearly to see how we're doing.

Circles or Responsibility- I had all of these things in mind, then this weekend I learned about these circles. Understanding responsibility- those I've taken myself compared to those actually assigned to me by God, is already a huge benefit to my life. I haven't yet read this book, but it comes highly recommended by some folks I really trust and respect.


This is a pretty long post. If you've made it this far, I hope that there's something in here that you can apply to your own family life. And is there anything I've missed? What other components of responsibility should we be building into our children? What are some practical helps that you've found useful?

Loving Other People's Children

So, I'm doing a Bible study with some ladies from my church. Actually, we're reading a book together (based on Titus 2). I try to look up the verses, as well. But, you know. Anyways, after each week I walk away thinking that I'm not done with the conversation. But our last discussion has been with me, especially since I didn't feel like we had gotten through all the practicals.

You see, the title of the chapter was "Loving Your Children" and out of the fifteen or more women who were there, only five of us were moms. So where does that leave everyone else? Looking forward to some nebulous future where they might have children? Some aren't even married, yet. How could they implement this in their lives today? We started talking about it, but by no means did we create a comprehensive list. So, since I've been thinking about it, I've decided to write all my thoughts down. Maybe then I can move on to the next chapter :) Without further ado, my thoughts on loving other people's children. I have other thoughts on helping out a new mom, that I'll post later. And please! Add your thoughts in the comments!

Teach Sunday school. This is a great way to get to know children. You can have a positive influence in their lives by doing this simple job. And it's also a great service to the parents, who tend to take the bulk of the teaching responsibilities.

Have real conversations. Don't just brush kids aside. Look them in the eye, get down on their level, and have a chat. This is hard if you're not comfortable around children, but it gets easier! Kids are just like everyone else- they love to talk about the things that interest them. Ask them what toys they played with today or about what they're learning in school. Have a couple of go-to questions to help you get started until it comes more naturally.

Play with them. Once you start getting to know the kids, they'll seek you out and might start viewing them as their friends. And what do kids do? They play! Little ones (under 5) will play peek a book or chase. Middle ones (elementary ages) like tag and wrestling. Older ones (teens) still like these things too, but they'd rather be "cool" with you.

Watch out for them. Don't let them get away with stuff. If you see a child doing something wrong- call them on it. Bring it to the attention of their parents.

Invite them over. Some things are more interesting when you have children underfoot. Invite some kids over to bake and decorate cookies, or for a fun craft project, or popcorn and a movie. I'm sure the parents will love it, too :)

Babysit. In the same vein, offer to take the kids so mom can have a free afternoon, or the couple can enjoy a date night.

Enjoy them. I found it extremely interesting that the "love" in Titus 2 referring to children is the "phileo" love of befriending them. What an eye opener! So, please, enjoy children. Whether they're yours or not.

The House We Really Live In

It all started with this picture.

I thought about cropping it...or kicking some of the crap out of the way before Greg snapped the photo. But then I decided to just let it be what it really is. There are so many times I'm looking at friends pics and facebook. And do you know what? I'm not looking at their cute kids! Nope. I'm actually looking at the floor in the background and thinking about what a terrible housekeeper I am.

So here's a picture that shows our house in it's real life glory. Today, a friend said that she didn't think our house was messy. Just lived in and loved. I laughed at her. This afternoon I snapped a few pictures to prove her wrong. :) So, here we go. A tour of my house.

This is my entry-way. The beautiful spots on the wall that need to be painted, or really the whole wall that needs to be painted! There are coats on the floor (hey at least they made it to the right area, there's still several hanging out on the couch!) And of course, the obligatory toys on the floor and even the baseball gloves hanging out of the drawers.

And these are the stairs. All of this junk belongs up there. Would you believe that we had this cleared off just two days ago? The basket was overflowing then, too!

At the top of the stairs you'll find my children's bathroom. This isn't too terrible today. I make them clean it every day. There are still dirty clothes in here, toothbrushes scattered everywhere. And a pile of toys are behind the door, as well. You'll walk down the hallway, past the crib that's dismantled, but there's no place to store it. And the toy crumbs (read: broken bits of toys that cling to the walls) and you'll find yourself entering my children's bedroom.

This is another room I make them clean every day. Can you tell? Today the dirty clothes are mixed in with the clean clothes that didn't quite get put away, and the stack of dresses I had laid so carefully across the changing table. Yesterday Roselyn decided she didn't need a nap and climbed up the shelf (spilling everything off) and onto the changing table (throwing everything off). I had enough time to put a few things back, but for the last day I've just been shoving clothes out of my way and sitting on the floor to change her. 

And there's a terrible smell emanating from the beds that are wet on at night...because I can't remember the last time I changed the sheets (I mean really, who has time to change six beds every week?). Books and toys are mixed in here too (although they're not allowed). Will you also believe that I sent them each up and made them clean up their stuff before letting them watch football this afternoon? This is the "cleaned up" version!

Right next door, you'll find the school room. This is the view from the door way. Yeah, you can't really walk in there... All of these tubs have a home on the shelf to your left. Right now, it doesn't even appear that the toys that are IN the tubs are in the right ones. And why would a child ever pick up the tub and put it on the shelf. My kids certainly can't do it without crying for twenty minutes, even though it's about two feet away from where the tub is sitting.

After scooching in a little you can get an even better view of the bed that's not only unmade, but losing it's sheets. Chairs are, of course, meant to be upside down. I didn't dare take a closeup of the desk/table for you. Of course if you threw five dozen sheets of paper, three or four boxes of crayons and a couple dozen pencils on the table and stirred it all up- you'd be half way there. 

And one obligatory photo from my bedroom. We got this shelf so I could keep craft materials away from the kids and in an organized manner. Yeah, if I could get to the shelf over the boxes of other junk, it would be a great system.

So, there you have it. The real house we live in. Please tell me yours looks more like mine then all those beautiful photos on Pinterest.

Raising Little Geeks

I didn't mean to do it, but I don't think we can help it. We're raising little geeks. But how can we do anything but that? Look at us. I blame my husband.

Sure, I was a geek in school- but just your average study to get an A kind of gal. My activities consisted of music and academic clubs. But my husband, now he's a geek. He once studied all day for a final in college and brought a calculus grade up from a D to a B+. (I can only wonder what would have happened if he'd opened his book earlier in the semester!) And when we watch Jeopardy, he knows all the answers. And wonders why no one on the show knows it, too!

So, there's really no hope for our kids.

Dr. Uncle Tim showing
Zachary his own cheek cells.

At first it made me smile. When the boys were 4 and 5 we had watched some Sid the Science Kid about simple machines. At the breakfast table they were discussing whether a fork is an inclined plane or a lever. When they decided to experiment with their eggs, I called it off :)

The small forays into geekiness continued. They love science and exploring and "what if" and I try to let them explore and experiment, even if it's messy. One of the big reasons we homeschool is so that they can do more hands on projects and activities than are generally done in a large classroom setting. Sometimes it's a big experiment, but usually we're observing bees pollinate the flowers, counting the toes on the gecko, or putting cups of water outside to see how long before it freezes. I'm fully convinced that sending my kids out to explore God's world and to interact with it is more important than teaching them to read or memorizing math facts (although we still do that!). But they're starting to surprise me with the levels of understanding that they have. The geekiness is invading their play.

My little paleontologists.

We took a trip to Texas a few weeks ago. We were so close to the ocean, I convinced Greg to take us there for  the morning. The tide was out and the beach was covered with shells. We splashed in the waves and collected shells. Greg showed them the bubbles made by the little sand crabs buried in the sand (semi-geeky, but pretty standard). The real surprise came when one of the kids said, "Mama, we're going to pretend to be paleontologists looking for micro-fossils." I continued to look for pretty shells.

Quinlan playing chess at the
Children's Museum.

It happened again last night. I had to tear the boys away from their game to set the table. In fact, I had to take it from them and put the pieces away because they were so distracted by it. In the amount of time it took me to move the food from the stove to the table, the boys had the chess board set back up and were already four moves into a game. I never thought I would have to tell my kids (ages 6 and 7) that there would be no chess playing at the dinner table.

Don't worry too much about my kids, they still love to play house and cooking show. They love to draw and craft. They love to play football in the hallway. But I have a sneaking suspicion that I'm raising little geeks.

Do your kids do or say anything that surprises you?

God's Voice

A couple weekends ago, my church had an "olympic" event. The small groups competed against each other in many events. I arrived with my napping girls after things were under way. I really only paid attention to one adult event, and it was the obstacle course. Two teammates were tied together as if in a three-legged race, as well as blindfolded. One teammate shouted directions to them- go left, crawl through the tube, stuff like that. Along the way, they were bombarded with kids with water guns, and a "big kid" with a hose. :)

As I sat at the picnic table (well away from the spraying water), I watched about eight people shouting directions. They were trying hard to get their voices above the crowd. (At church the next day, several men were hoarse!) I wondered what would happen if we did that race as families. The parents shouted directions to the their kids. Would the kids trust and obey? Would they be able to pick their parents' voices out of the crowd?

That's exactly what we're going for with our kids. We want our kids to be able to hear our voices above all the other inputs in their lives. It doesn't take much for other influences to start pulling their attention. Whether it's a friend from church or commercials on tv, we want our voices to be the ones they hear over and above everything else. We want our voices to be the ones that they listen for and know. We want our voices to be the ones they respect, understand, and obey. And I don't want to be hoarse the next day!

This morning I heard a song on the radio. It's called "To Know You" by Casting Crowns. One line in particular speaks on this very thought "To know You is to hear Your voice when You are calling." I can know when I am close to God by how well I can hear His voice. Just like with my kids. When we're at the park, do they come running when I call, or do they ignore me for a few more seconds on the swing? And what's my swing- what am I holding onto and ignoring God for? I need to spend time with my Lord and learn to know His voice. As He's trying to take care of me, it's important that I can hear His voice above all the other voices competing for my attention. If He calls directions to me, I want to hear them. I want to avoid the mud pit and the spraying water. I want to follow His voice and win the race. And I don't think I want to know what it feels like to have the Lord shouting at me!

Last week we had a huge crack of thunder and my two year old was out of bed and started crying. My husband went up to console her but also told her that was God saying "get back in bed!" Is that what it would be like to have the Lord shout at me? I'd much rather be so attuned to His voice that I can hear Him whisper. That I can see Him smiling at me in the softness of a rainbow, that I can hear Him in the gentle breeze through the trees, that I can see His hand as my husband holds mine, that I can hear Him in my children's laughter.

I think that knowing God and hearing His voice is about so much more than the "big things." God is in the little things that are the dailyness of our life. And the more that we get to know Him, the more we WANT to know Him. It actually reminds me of another song that struck me today. One line says "It's more like falling in love than something to believe in." (But that's a story for another day.) Knowing God is and adventure. It's about understanding the eternal from the temporary, it's about sharing His love with the world, it's about trusting God, it's about hearing His voice.

Check out Casting Crown's website for the lyrics to this song, as well as the Scripture that inspired every line of the song. I couldn't find an official version of the song, but I did find this one on You Tube that will allow you to hear it for yourself. I encourage you to grab a Bible and search out the verses for more about what God says about this subject.

2 Corinthians 1:3-5 / 2 Corinthians 4:18 / 2 Corinthians 5:11-12 / Ephesians 4:20-24 / Philippians 3 / Philippians 4:12-13

Mom Tools

I went to the grocery store tonight. It was great only having the baby with me. Anyways, as I was packing my groceries, one particular bag caught my attention. I looked in and chuckled to myself when I saw what I had put together- diapers, espresso, and carpet cleaner. Yes, I'm a mom. Those are the tools of my trade. What essentials do you have for your life as a mom?

I Miss Ice Cream

My baby can't tolerate dairy. That means that I don't get to eat any. None. Not even the amount of dairy that's in  a seasoning packet of ramen noodles, or the amount of dairy that's in artificial flavorings in coke. It's been a long six months, but the end is in sight. Now, instead of vomitting all over me when I've had dairy, she just cries and wakes up in the middle of the night. Still not fun, but an improvement! I've been thinking about the things I miss most, and thought I would share.

I miss eating other people's food without having to ask, "what's in this?"
I miss ice cream.
I miss cheese on my pizza.
I miss chocolate.
I miss eating bread without reading the labels to find out which one is dairy-free.
I miss ice cream.
I miss butter.
I miss eating fancy food at weddings. (I had to trade my garlic/bacon mashed potatoes for my kids' french fries)
I miss ice cream.
I miss cheesecake.
I miss eating all the egg casseroles that are brought to MOPS.
I miss frosting. Wedding cake just isn't the same without it.
I miss using cream of mushroom soup- the soy substitute just isn't the same.
I miss ice cream.
I miss cream in my coffee.
I miss ice cream.

Eleanor started handling dairy better around nine months. Roselyn is currently seven months. I'm counting down. My hope is that I can eat whatever I want by Thanksgiving. Just in time to pack on a bunch of weight with the cheesy party potatoes, the french silk pie, the pink fluff, the artichoke spinach dip, before heading into Christmas season and eating all the fudge I want. I figure I deserve it after giving up ice cream for the summer.